As I was leaving the driveway this morning, my mind was churning and autopilot kicked in and I found myself at that place. It had been a long time since I’d been there – what used to be automatic has now turned into avoidance – except for now… I looked left – into the huge 4-lane and found it empty (thank God) – but against my will all the images come rushing back. The truck, the impact, the blood and the lifeless heap of Anne in the back seat. The still, small voice whispering amidst the urgent movement of emergency workers, “Rest, Kathryn. Rest.” And my mind comes back to the present… This place. I hate this place. Will I ever be able to accept what God’s given with submission and gratitude? Will grief always take me by surprise and leave me broken and raw? This place… The road is empty – both left and right. I turn left across the lanes. Thank you Jesus. Thank you.
Crayons In My Water
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Crayons In My Water 
I know you were not looking for anyone to really answer that question, but I believe the answer is yes.
It may not LOOK or sound the way your mind thinks it “should” right now, but:
Because you ARE on the “open” road that you are, because you ARE seeking, you WILL find those things…and you will recognize them when you do.
Tho I clearly “get it” that when the issue is one’s child, many things change….I believe seekers get answers, and not just because His word says “seek and ye shall find”.
I speak from my own experience.
As each “talent” and “skill” seemed to be taken away, as it seemed that each dream was “stolen” and each solution “turned into impossible” and yet another closed door…..as the life I once knew disappeared before my very eyes…..and as I wrestled with Angels and emotions and rage and woundedness…..slowly, thru the seeking and openness, I was and am being transformed.
Gratitude that I once faked decades ago, has become real, genuine and actually part of the very fabrick of my being. As I solidly choose who I would NOT become, I gradually discovered who I was becoming.
No, from the outside, it does not “look” like I have a “good or fulfilling life”. From the outside and by the world’s standards, absolutely NONE of my life-dreams have come into fruition…..
if I am but willing to see with “different” eyes, then I do indeed “have it all”. But more importantly, I have peace, strength, joy, purpose, laughter, and yes tears….and an abiding gratitude and peace….and above all, I have an almost constant communion with Him.
Today, in all honesty, I would not trade who I was or what I had, for who I’ve become.
And if that can become true for a broken, solitary woman, who at the time had no support, no family, no friends…..how could it possibly NOT become true for you and your entire family? You have the world loving you, prayig for you and lifting you up.
But maybe I had an unseen advantage. With zero people in my life and no one else to ease the edges, He became my all-in-all far more quickly than He might have otherwise become.
But I stand by my answer: Yes, you WILL know those things…and far better things that now you cannot even begin to fathom. And so shall each person in your family, including Anne. And, it will be wonder-filled.
Much Love and Warm Support,
Lu
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Those are good words on this Good Friday. It reminds me of how much Jesus laid down to become man – all of his God-ness – left in heaven – so that He could suffer for our sake. God the Father and the God the Son suffering the cruelty of separation so that we might not ever be separated from Him. He knows and sympathizes with our weaknesses because He, Himself walked that road before us. Good words Lu :-)
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mmmm……And I’d been sad that I wasn’t able to come to church tonight. Yet, if I had, I wouldn’t have been able to come here and hear your heart and share a bit of my own. Neat, yes?! Unexpected blessings in unexpected places fill and fuel my world. May it continue be so in yours.
Thanks ever so much for reaching back.
And, Easter cometh!
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Praying for you my dear friend. I love you deeply!
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Kathryn and Lu-Thank you for putting into words what I have so often felt, “I hate this place!” and everything slipping away and how things look from the outside. And Julian Beever’s art comes to mind. If you look at the painting in any way other than the way the creator intended, it looks a mess, horrible, a big mistake, pointless. But if you look at it the way the creator looks at it, it is an unbelievable and beautiful work of art that can hardly be believed!
Kathryn-so many times you were such an encouragement to me–I would feel so sick and sleepy from the night before at home and while everyone else would just kind of look at me with disdain, you always had a smile (despite having been up since who knows what hour for practice, then having to go sell juice and doughnuts) and a kind word. You gave me hope :-) God brought me through all of that, using His hands in people like you, and brought me through to where I am now. I pray all the time that God would send His hands to you and I rejoice that he does!
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Wow, April. Thinking back on highschool, I was naively happy. I had no idea you struggled back then. I was blind to all things painful. I’m sorry. But it’s a good testimony of God covering over and making good out of this lump of clay. It’s Him that encouraged… not me :-)
Thank you for tracking with us, and for reaching out to me!
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