Eric and I recently celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary!

In the weeks leading up to the big day, the old feelings of grief and depression began to creep into my daily routine.

Anxiety.

A general feeling of being overwhelmed…

An oppressive weight on my chest.

This is what grief feels like to me. But… Our family is in such a good place. Anne is doing well. Eric and I are doing well. Everything is going so well… So, why the grief?

Out of desperation, I asked God to reveal to me why I was spiraling down into depression – and almost instantly, God showed me. I remembered back to our 10th wedding anniversary. The kids were 1, 3 & 5, and for the first time since becoming parents we went away by ourselves. We were so excited to go, but even more excited to come home to see our precious, little ones. They tackled us as we entered the door. I remember being on the floor, holding Kate in my lap with Anne jumping on my back. And then I understood where the grief was coming from. It is only 5 years later, but so much has changed. Life just doesn’t look like what I expected it to be…

Thankfully, when I understand the source of my grief, it usually loses its power over me, and within a few days I was back to normal – just in time to celebrate our 15 years of marriage with a genuine, joyful gratitude. But listen to how my conversation went with Eric…

“Eric, I think I’ve realized why I’ve been so down lately.”

“Really?”

“Yes, it all has to do with our 15th wedding anniversary. It’s just not how I expected it to be.”

Eric looked at me with a concerned stare, and I (naively) wondered why he didn’t understand. A few seconds went by and his look changed to understanding…

“This all has to do with Anne, doesn’t it?”

“Yes. What else would it be about?”

“Well, if I had a blog, I would write about how my wife just told me she was depressed because our 15 years of marriage wasn’t what she expected!”

He was chuckling as he said it :-) I’m so thankful for Eric’s perceptiveness. He understands me better than I understand myself sometimes. He is a gift – a committed, loyal rock of a man. His character is unmatched. I don’t know what I would do without him. I look forward to the next 15 years!