A longing

I’m listening to the house… it’s quiet and I need to go to sleep. But I don’t want to, because something feels undone – unfinished… unsatisfied. I’m trying to write about Anne – but everything’s the same – she still has a brain injury.

When I pray for God to heal her – and I mean the “all-at-once” kind of healing… I know I’ve become desperate. God doesn’t work that way very often – because he cares more about our holiness than our happiness. There will be plenty of time for happiness in heaven – for now, it’s character building time.

But right now, in my unsettled, discontent heart… I just want to be happy. But the happiness is elusive.

When I feel this way – unsettled – like something’s unfinished, I know I’ve been grasping at distractions to fill the achiness. It’s a spiritual achiness – a longing… and silly entertaining distractions don’t cut it. I need the Savior. I need His touch. I need him to replace the discontent with contentment, the anxiety with peace.

I need to go to bed :) And pray, and wait, and hope that tomorrow will be better.

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6 thoughts on “A longing

  1. Lucel-Melody says:

    Sometimes we “tense against” and “fight against” those things that hurt us, accidentally making the pain worse. Sometimes, the hardest of all, is to relax into it…or hug it to ourselves so tightly it moves thru us and out the other side.

    Keep looking, He is and will continue to help you find your way. He IS the Light in this darkness.

    Much Love, Warm Support, and Prayer-Songs steadily flowing….

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  2. Erin Lewis says:

    Kathryn,

    When I read your posts I am so thankful for you and other women who love the Word. Can you imagine how we would be in our struggles if we didn’t know and love God’s Word? Thankfully the Spirit will continue to reconcile our spirit and flesh with God’s glory. I’ll continue praying for you and your family.

    Best,
    Erin L.

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  3. Anne Wenger says:

    Kathryn, You said a mouthful of wisdom when you posted : “When I feel this way – unsettled – like something’s unfinished, I know I’ve been grasping at distractions to fill the achiness. It’s a spiritual achiness – a longing… and silly entertaining distractions don’t cut it. I need the Savior. I need His touch. I need him to replace the discontent with contentment, the anxiety with peace.” I find it a commentary on our society today. I pray for you to sense the peace of God when that feeling comes over you. Thanks for writing, even when it is so hard. Praying with you for Anne to be healed quickly, or progressively, according to God’s will.

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  4. victoria eades says:

    I, and many others, love reading your posts, because you voice what so many of us are facing in a variety of circumstances. Only you can say it better. Or depending on the circumstances, we do not have as much freedom to write honestly about our struggles. (I imagine there is more room for you to be honest when writing about your longing for Anne to be healthy, than for a woman who’s husband has been unfaithful to write about that struggle, although the struggle might actually be fairly similar.) Thank you for being our voice. I know it is painful to be honest, even with something that is more acceptable than others. There is always the temptation to smile and act as if we are content and happy when in reality we really just want things to be different. If God would allow me, I would always choose comfort over transformation! It is so very, very good that God’s love for me is based on His faithfulness alone!

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