Marriage is hard

Today’s sermon at church was on marriage. It was so good! Before Anne’s accident, Eric and I sailed through marriage relatively easily…after the accident, however, marriage has been tough. If not for the powerful work of God in our hearts, I don’t know that we would have made it. But 5+ years later, I’m humbled and thankful for God’s gracious restorative work in our marriage. We laugh together again. That’s huge!

A few years ago, I wrote a guest post about marriage on a friend’s blog. I’m re-posting it today to celebrate God’s work in our individual lives to grieve, forgive, sacrifice and re-connect after Anne’s tragedy. Hope you enjoy it :)

What Makes Marriage So Hard?

Originally posted on on July 22, 2014

I’m sitting on a balcony, listening to waves crash against the sand, and I breathe in gratefulness. My husband of 17 years is beside me. We left one kid at camp and the other two with grandparents. Alone. We are finally alone at the beach.

17 years ago we were naive best friends starting a new life together. Life was simple. Now we are battle-worn best friends struggling to raise our little family. We’re weary, but we’re together.

Marriage. Who knew it could be so hard?

It got harder when our daughter was almost killed in a car accident. And marriage remains hard as we deal with the strain of caring for a daughter with a traumatic brain injury.

But yesterday, I almost ruined this trip. This trip that we’ve been looking forward to for months. This trip that took three spreadsheets to outline the caretaking schedule for our disabled daughter. We so need this trip.

What did I almost do? I almost let my anger force me to start a fight with my husband that would have taken days to recover from. But thankfully, God intervened.

It all started when my husband made a simple comment at lunch in which he defended an old family friend. I’m ashamed to say that I struggle to show kindness to this person. In many ways, I’m jealous of her seemingly easier life. My husband’s words picked at a sinful scab in my heart. Jealousy, covetousness, ungraciousness. Those are my ugly sins.

Instead of shining the light on my dark heart, I turned my critical spotlight on my husband. It’s easy to make up lies in your head when you don’t want to face your own sin. “How could he defend her?” I thought. “He should defend me! He just doesn’t understand how hard my life is compared to hers.” Ugly. My heart can be so ugly.

I retreated to my room and felt the anger well up through my stomach past my hard heart and clench its fists around my throat. I had turned fiercely angry.

“Oh God,” I prayed. “Please don’t let me ruin this trip. Please don’t let me lash out and hurt my husband. Please make the anger GO AWAY.” I tried to carry on as if nothing was wrong, but the anger only intensified and threatened to come out in a wave of poisoned words.

I retreated again. “Oh God. Please, please, please take this anger away. Please God. Please.” And I crumpled helpless to my knees and waited. And the change began.

God graciously, with such tenderness and compassion, opened my eyes to my jealous heart. The problem was me. Not my husband.

God’s tender conviction led me to my deep need for grace. “Oh God – please change me. Help me to be gracious toward this woman whom I envy. Give me your love for her. She’s just a mom – trying her best – just like me.”

Just like me. She’s just like me. A mom, struggling with sin – but trying her best – just like me.

And waves of forgiveness washed my anger away. I was free. His Grace had filled the crevices that just minutes ago were simmering with anger.

My husband came to me later, embracing me and whispering how he was sorry for being insensitive. God had worked in him too – separately – apart from me. God didn’t need me to change him. God is big enough for the both of us.

God saved our trip. Just as He’s saved our marriage over and over again as we fight to stay connected since our daughter’s accident.

He works in us in spite of our tragedy, in spite of our weariness. He makes us more humble, more dependent, more in love with Himself and with each other.

Who knew marriage could be so hard? And painful? And beautiful.

2 thoughts on “Marriage is hard

  1. Lu says:

    I’m so very glad the two of you have each other. That together with God you’ve found ways to make your relationship work, and even thrive, against daunting odds.
    With my H&H families there seems to be no middle ground. No half-way or muddling thru. With the chronic or terminal illness of one (sometimes all the children in their family–and sometimes one or both parents as well) they either find ways to make it work as you have, or they bail rather swiftly.
    From what they’ve shared (and as you already know) Communication’s the key along with making room for one another, and allowing that each of us process things differently, relieve stress differently—and so not to take offense too swiftly. From the bits and pieces you’ve shared over the years, it sounds like you and Eric are indeed doing the hardest work of all.
    Love, is not all warm and fuzzy…..yet oh how beautiful it is.
    Thank you for the zillion choices you each have made, both the ginormous ones and the tiniest minutest ones that have all added up to a Marriage that truly does shine with His Life, Light and Love.
    Love and Prayer-songs steadily flowing….


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