trials

Feeling weighed down…

I’ve put off updating the CaringBridge site because I don’t feel like there’s anything exciting to report… I guess that’s the nature of Anne’s injury… recovery is slow. I’ve been struggling with impatience lately :-)

I still feel weighed down by the fact that my sweet girl has such a serious injury. Today she looked at a picture of a black dog, and she called it a sheep, and then a horse, but couldn’t find the word “dog.” She has to concentrate so hard to answer such simple questions.

She’s working just as hard physically. Today her PT asked her to bend her left leg. Anne was laying down flat on a mat. You could see her jaw clench in concentration as she raised her left leg straight up, and then after a few seconds she bent her knee in a jerky motion. She repeated this for the therapist a few more times – each time having to concentrate like crazy just to bend her knee.

As I watch her, I feel this strange mix of joy and sadness – I’m so proud of her, but grieved to see her struggle so…

God does give me glimpses of joy. Yesterday evening, a bunch of family came to the hospital to eat dinner together. There was cheerful banter as everyone ate burgers and fries in Anne’s room. Anne just sat gazing at everyone with a content smile. The only reason we were together was because of Anne. That’s a gift that’s come out of this tragedy.

And then today… I took Anne for a walk. Anne can reach up and touch all the buttons for the elevators. I thought back to Anne’s first day in rehab. Her therapist asked her to push a HUGE yellow button. We all cheered as the therapist had to place her hand on the button and she was BARELY able to press it down. She’s come a long way to be able to so easily find and press the elevator buttons! That was a sweet reminder from God.

Perseverance – emotional and physical. That’s our need right now :-)

Please pray:

  1. That Anne would gain endurance and not tire so easily. When she tires, she gets extra emotional, so also pray that she would be able to regulate her emotions.
  2. That Anne would make great strides both cognitively and physically in the next 10 days before her discharge date – specifically that she would be able to sit unassisted and communicate consistently what she wants and needs.

Thank you! -kathryn

A Difficult Day

Anne cried a lot today. It’s hard to know why… I guess that’s what makes it so difficult :-)

Days like today remind me that Christ alone is able. He alone is able to heal Anne, to knit her brain back together, bit by little bit.

He alone is able to strenghten her weak knees and make our paths level and straight. He gives strength to the weak and heals the brokenhearted. That’s a good thing – because that describes me… weak and brokenhearted – but not without hope :-)

I know that today is just a moment in a much bigger picture. God is weaving his good plan in and through Anne and our family. Our job is to wait and trust as He does His work.

Let’s pray for a peaceful night. Sweet Anne needs one.

-kathryn

Hope…

Anne has done amazingly well following her surgery on Tuesday. It’s hard to pinpoint specifics – she just seems more herself. She’s talking more, holding her body and head straighter – she seems to have more strength in her legs and her hand is not quite as crazy-acting…

For the first time, it feels safe to hope. I’ve always had hope – but only in God’s good character. Now, God is allowing us to see His healing hand in Anne, and that inspires me to hope for greater things to come.

Our days are not so heavy. The heaviness of her constant crying has been lifted. She’s now pleasant. She uses all of her manners (yes mam / no mam) and even has a sense of humor.

The heaviness of uncertainty has been lifted. God has fulfilled our deepest desires for Anne… allowing light to shine in Anne’s eyes and allowing her to speak. I tell her, “God is helping you to get better and better everyday.” She always responds, “Even today, mommy?” “Even today,” I say :-)

Finally, the heaviness of grief has been lifted. They encourage parents to post pictures of their children on the outside of their doors. After three weeks on the rehab floor, I’ve come to a place where I can look at a picture of Anne (pre-accident) and not grieve. So now her door has lots of pictures :-)

Her door with pictures

Jeremiah 29:11

We still have a long way to go on this journey, but I’m thankful for God’s grace to lighten our load a bit. Anne’s smiles and constant chatter produce in us a profound gratitude for God’s mercy. To God be the glory.

Please continue to pray:

  1. For Anne to pass through this phase of oral fixation. She puts EVERYTHING in her mouth. I know it’s a phase, but I need patience to wait through it :-)
  2. For Anne to continue to get stronger. She still can’t sit unassisted.
  3. For Anne not to be discouraged and to lean on God in a deep way.

So thankful!!! -kathryn

What a journey God has us on…

We are really in the same place as Kathryn’s last journal entry yesterday. . . . able only to turn and hope in Jesus, and very much NOT able to hope in Anne’s circumstances or condition . . . . hoping and praying for God’s healing hand, but not able to see progress for today. . . . but it is only 1 day. . . . . sadness for little Anne. . . .

Little Anne is still very agitated today, crying unless she is laying in mommy’s lap. She still can’t really use her eyes as they are set to one side. Her head is even more turned to the right and her left hand is even more tightly clasped.

But in the same day, we have had tears of joy from being lifted up by our sweet friends and family that have visited or called or or emailed or given gifts for Anne – all of whom have grabbed us up and physically supported us when our legs are weak. i have been taught so much by all of you – God has been remolding my heart through watching you reach out to me. . . .

And then i remember . . . . Anne DID do a great thing today – while having her weight supported, she initiated about 30 steps with both her right and left legs! God always seems to daily give us (our daily bread) a reason to hope in Him. Anne has only been in rehab for 1 week and two days. . . . there is so much to be thankful for. . . . my despair comes much too quick!

-eric

Where do we place our hope?

The tension between staying in the present and having hope for the future is difficult.

The present is hard. Anne still can’t move anything but her right hand and her right quadricep. She can’t roll over in bed or turn her head. Her eyes are stuck to the right and she cries most of the day.

Yes, she is getting stronger and making great progress, but the future is uncertain – so placing our hope in an unknown future is like building a house on sand…

So where do we place our hope? I echo Peter’s words from John 6, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.”

Our hope is in Christ alone.

Please pray:

  1. Anne has a really bad sore throat. She is refusing to swallow, so she is not eating and is even more agitated than ‘normal’. So pray for her throat to get better.
  2. Continue to pray for Anne’s total healing, and all of us to trust in God’s good character and mercy toward our family.

Good night – kathryn

Pressing forward

The accident was four weeks ago today… Sometimes I feel like I’m in the middle of a dream; it doesn’t seem possible that my spunky, bright Anne has a severe brain injury.

Isaiah 30:21 says, “Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying ‘This is the way; walk in it.'”So we press forward, with a mix of grief and joy, but forward nonetheless.

Anne’s current phase is challenging. She is agitated and confused, audibly crying most of the time. I find myself leaning on my old ways of self-sufficiency. Thinking back over my day, I realized that I did not ask God for help once, but carried on – essentially alone – trying to care for Anne.

You would think that I would learn to cling to my saviour – to run to Him, cling to Him. This is just as much a “rehab” time for me as it is for Anne :-) May we both come out on the other side more “like gold” (Job 23:10).

Thankful for His grace -kathryn

“Things too wonderful for me”

It is difficult not to fear trials even though God can provide great blessing to flow from them…

Can God’s good plan be thwarted through negative events? I still don’t understand it, but He is the great “I am”. Job’s answer was God himself. God can somehow work the best out of the worst this fallen world can throw at us!! I know God has wonderful things in store for Anne and is holding her so close . . . . we are not always able to understand God’s ways: “things too wonderful for me”

Job 42: 2-3: I know that you can do all things,
and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?
Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.
-eric