My striving is not working.

I’ve been struggling lately to keep the pace. Sometimes I wonder if I just have unrealistic expectations of myself. On paper, my schedule seems very manageable… but then again, I’ve always struggled with discipline and consistency. sigh.

I think one of the issues is that everything feels relentless. Anne’s schedule is relentless. The morning routine of getting all the kids to school (on time) is relentless. Anne’s needs are relentless – and the afternoons filled with therapy and carpool and dinner preparation and homework and. and. and…

One of the reasons we chose to send Canon and Kate to school (instead of homeschooling them) was to give me more margin in my life. I’m supposed to have more time now. Hmm. It doesn’t feel like it.

I don’t think I’m alone in this struggle. Our culture is so “full” that most people I know are constantly trying to fight against filling their schedules. Maybe it’s just the emotional baggage of Anne’s disabilities that make me feel. so. heavy. Or maybe it’s my inability to think past today – which makes weekly meal planning challenging ;-) Or maybe I need to have a few more glasses of wine – but I don’t really like wine.

Actually, the only real answer is Jesus. He’s the simple Sunday School answer for everything – but in Him are depths of knowledge and wisdom and… joy. Joy. I think I just need an extra dose of joy. I sure ain’t finding it in all of my striving.  Jesus, will you give me joy? 

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8 thoughts on “My striving is not working.

  1. I can empathize with you! I know when I worked and was a taxi after school to run my daughter here and there, while I was trying to grade papers and finish my work for the day. I know! I only had one child, but I had many who I taught everyday! No, I didn’t have to get them all ready to go to school, but it was always get everyone dressed and out the door way too early ’cause I had to be at school at 7:30. At least when she got to middle school, we only made one stop. She went to the same MS where I taught. However, I would never, ever do that again! All the teachers had known her since she was born and she knew all of them by their first names and were friends with most of them. This didn’t work well! The cheerleading practice started. Then football season started. On and on and on ‘t;l I thought I’d drop at the end of every single day! You are not alone! But I really think that most of your relentlessness is due to Anne’s disabilities! The regular routine is bad enough and you’ve got her disabilities to deal with, too. Just try to pace yourself and try not to procrastinate.
    Ask God to help you specifically with these feelings of being overwhelmed! He’ll give you peace, joy and all the strength that you need! “Ask and it shall be given”!
    God is in control!
    Have a relaxing and blessed weekend!
    Freida ;-)

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  2. Elizabeth Dishman says:

    I’m no expert here, Kathryn, but I was just thinking about “Cease striving and know that I am God…” For me, that feeling of being run into the ground sometimes (often?) has less to do with my schedule and more with my heart and my sense of fear. Or my stubborn desire for my life to be easier. (Again, not an expert…ease is so relative!!)

    May KNOWING GOD be the element that transforms us from striving in our power to doing the hard work He’s called us to do with grace and strength. May He give us wisdom and courage to simplify where we can and a humble heart to receive HIS joy. Prayers, love and hope for you, friend.

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  3. April says:

    About dinners :-) Have you checked out Leanne Ely’s SavingDinner.com ? You can just have a weeks worth of menus AND the shopping list emailed to you each week. There are lots of other options as well (books, PDF, etc.). Might be worth the $.

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