Kathryn’s Blog

Family Crest

Canon is studying medieval times at school. Friday’s assignment was to create his own family crest. The students were given lots of options… including colors, animals and objects all listed with its respective symbolic meaning. Canon put a lot of thought into his shield and chose symbols that had special meaning to him and to our family. Here’s his shield:

And here is Canon’s explanation…

Here is a list of the things I chose and their meaning:

  • Black: grief (I chose black because of all the grief we’ve had since my sister, Anne’s, car accident)
  • Gold: generosity (I chose gold because of all the generosity people have shown us since the car accident.)
  • Lion: courage (I chose the lion because we have to have courage to get over what happened to Anne.)
  • Wolf: perseverance (I chose the wolf because we have to have perseverance to keep hoping that Anne will continue to heal.)
  • Horse: duty (I chose the horse because if you want to be a believer of Christ you have to be ready to do his bidding.)
  • Fox: wisdom ( I chose the fox because we need God’s wisdom to make good decisions for Anne and the rest of our family.)

I think all of these things are characteristics of our family.

I’m so thankful that Canon thinks deeply about the spiritual implications of Anne’s accident. I can’t wait to see what God has in store for him!!!!

Aaaaahhhhhhh!

Botox, Baclofen, Physiatrist, Orthotist, Tone, Spasticity, Clonus.
I could go on, but what’s the point? Dealing with all of Anne’s doctors and wading through all of her “conditions” is just overwhelming. Advocating for your child’s well-being is stressful for me – especially when I have to navigate the impersonal systems of Atlanta’s larger and prestigious medical practices. Sigh.

When I think about it all, I feel like this:

And my nature is to procrastinate – to just not call this doctor or that doctor… But that only makes me feel like this:

Double sigh. One of the reasons I don’t like dealing with all of Anne’s doctors and “specialists” is that it’s just another reminder that I’m completely out of control. I can’t stop her seizures by myself – or reduce the spasticity in her ankles by myself. I need help. Lots of it! But what I need most of all is peace…

…do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:6-7).

Now excuse me while I go call the doctor…

Anne and music

So a typical ride in our van includes lots of music on the radio – specifically from our local Christian radio station, 104.7 The Fish. We get in the van, and one of the kids will say, “turn on the radio.” And a song will come on, and everyone starts singing – including Anne. And then almost always – right when a really good part of the song is about to play, Anne will say, “Turn it off.”

Now… her reasons for wanting the music off is different than what you would expect. After I turn off the radio, Anne will ALWAYS ask me about a specific lyric that she’s heard and what it means. “What does ‘justified’ mean Mommy?”  Ugh. Have you ever tried explaining “justification” to a six year old with a brain injury? But miraculously, Anne’s comprehension – especially for spiritual concepts – is amazing. When I finish answering her question about the lyrics, she will then say, “Okay, mommy. Turn it back on, so I can listen to what it means.”

So all of this is a backdrop for something funny that happened today. It was just Anne and me in the car. Third Day’s song, Love Song, starting playing. If you aren’t familiar with this song, it’s important to know that it’s sung from Jesus’ point of view – as if He were singing us a love song (hence, the title :-)

So in typical Anne fashion she asks me to turn off the radio. And when there is silence she asks, “Who is singing the song, Mommy? Is Jesus singing this song?” So, being really excited that she would ‘get’ that part of the song, I said, “Yes, Anne! Jesus is singing this song. ” To which Anne replied (with a mix of sincerity and amazement), “Wow! Jesus is a really good singer.”

I think Mac Powell (Third Day’s lead singer) would be flattered :-)

Back in the saddle…

Well, I’m teaching bible study tomorrow morning. It’s been a while since I’ve taught… so we’ll see how things go tomorrow.

I’m giving an overview of Biblical World View, Covenant Theology, the Church AND Biblical Womanhood. I told the gal who asked me to do this… “Yeah, all of that should take me about 10 minutes, and then I can teach everyone how to line dance the last hour or so.” I was kidding. I think it’s nuts to try to cover all of that in one lesson, but hey, I’m just doing what I was asked to do ;-)

There was one interesting point I stumbled upon while studying… Have you ever noticed that in the very beginning – when God created man and woman – and gave them jobs to do… (man – go work and keep the garden – and woman, you be a helper suitable for him) – that after they sinned, God cursed them with the exact opposite of their original good design. Woman will have desire for man (or desire to be over or control the man). And man will have toil all the days of his life – and in the end, he will return to dust. And what do women struggle with? Submission. And what do men struggle with? Toil-filled work and and a sense of purposelessness. No wonder life is hard. The curse of sin put in our hearts is the very opposite of what we were created and called to be! …And when did Jesus say He was coming back??? Oh yeah. He didn’t :-)

Thank you Jesus for reversing the power of sin and providing a way for us to draw near to you. Thank you for giving us the strength to persevere until that glorious day when you will come again!!

Sisters

I was with a gal a few days ago, and she was talking about her relationship with her sister. “It’s just easy. She can look at me and tell me that my shirt makes me look fat, and I just go change. That relationship is forever.”

I hope so. I pray for Kate and Anne. Their roles in the family are all topsy-turvy since the accident. Kate has more of a big-sister role. She’s so sweet to Anne – helping buckle her in the van, going to get Anne a pull-up, carrying Anne’s bag upstairs. And Anne hates it. It’s just so hard for her to accept help from her little sister, so sometimes Anne is mean to Kate. And Kate just looks at Anne and says, “Oh, it’s alright Anne. I love you.” At least Kate does that most of the time. Other times she cries, and sometimes she’s mean right back!

But then I see moments like today… It was just me and the girls in the van. Kate looked across at Anne and said, “Anne, I miss you. Do you know what I mean? I miss the Anne that doesn’t have a brain injury. You have a brain injury, Anne. You know that, right?” I’m holding my breath… waiting for Anne’s response. Anne reached over to grab Kate’s hand, and said, “We’re sisters Kate.” I breathed out… “Oh Jesus… thank you. And please, let it be forever.”

Value of a Dad

Canon struggled during the first week of school. If you asked him what his favorite part of school was, he’d say, “math.” Recess and lunch were at the bottom of the list. All the boys play soccer during recess, and Canon would just stand on the side – moping. I had a few talks with Canon that went something like this… “Canon – just go play. You’ll have fun. You’ll see.” Those words were worthless…

Eric, on the other hand, seems to know exactly what to say to Canon. Sunday night, he gave Canon an exercise physiology lesson. He talked about muscles squeezing, blood pumping and serotonin levels in the brain. Canon listened. What was his favorite part of school Monday? Recess. He scored two goals playing soccer with the boys. So of course I asked him “Why’d you play?” His answer… “Daddy told me that exercising during recess is good for my mind.” Boys. You gotta love ’em.

Show ready

Our house is still on the market. Eric and I would really love to downsize. It would be nice to have more monthly margin to cover Anne’s medical expenses, and I think I would enjoy having less house to clean!

Call me crazy but I love having my house on the market. I like the adventure of waking up and not knowing whether we will have a showing or not. I get excited when someone calls with a local number… it might be a real estate agent! The best part about listing your house for sale is that it has to be CLEAN! I love having a clean house. But I’m really bad about keeping it clean for my own satisfaction. I have to have external pressure to make me clean… Like someone coming over. Lots of people come over when your house is on the market!!

I know… I’m a little strange, but that just makes life more interesting;-) Now excuse me while I go clean my house, we have a showing tonight!

Ragamuffins

I went to my bible study at church for the first time in over a year this morning. The study has changed a lot since the time of Anne’s accident – all for good…

I was struck by the diversity of the women sitting around the table – and also by the openness… One widow who has a broken relationship with her son. A newlywed realizing that life is not a fairytale. Another newlywed – who is also a widow – experiencing a season of respite after many years of suffering. A woman celebrating her anniversary and the miracle of three adopted children. Another woman thankful for her 46 years of marriage. One expecting her first child. Another celebrating the marriage of her stepson, but still remembering the tragic death of her step daughter. And then there’s me… Absentminded mom to three – and one of those three happens to have a brain injury.

For all our differences, we have one interesting trait in common. We are all ragamuffins, broken vessels, tarnished daughters – but daughters, none the less! I’m more comfortable with others’ brokenness and scars than before the accident.

I think about the kind of people with whom Jesus spent time… Those tax collectors and sinners – the scandalous sort that religious folk avoided. This morning, as I listened to the stories of the women around the table, I thought, “we’re the kind of scandalous folk Jesus would like to hang out with.” Not pretentious. No walls of religious superiority. Just our broken selves, around a table, sharing a meal. It felt good to be at bible study again :-)

Normal

I found myself doing normal tasks this morning. And then I thought, “What is normal, anyway?” Dictionary.com has something to say about this…

Normal: conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural

“not abnormal” Gotta love that! So not helpful. Anyway… Normal depends on a standard. Again, not very helpful – since they’re tons of standards and they’re all really different!

I was listening to the radio as I was doing my “normal” tasks. Laura Story’s Blessings was sailing through the upstairs bedrooms… “We pray for blessings.” I make the bed. “We pray for peace.” I unload the dryer. “We doubt your goodness.” I start paying attention. “We doubt your love.” Yeah. I do that. “As if every promise from your word is not enough.” Ouch.

As followers of Jesus, our standard is the Bible. We define normal from God’s Word. I’m still struggling a bit with this new normal – Is it normal for families to suffer. More specifically, is it normal for children to suffer? Unfortunately, yes.

In this world you will have trouble. But take heart!
I have overcome the world. John 16:33

What’s the promise? He has overcome! This is our temporary home. There will be a day…

He will wipe every tear from their eyes.
There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain,
for the old order of things has passed away. Revelation 21:4

Stories

What is your story? As I was being the carpool mom this morning, carting three kids to school, I thought… This is my story. Wife, mother to three – one special needs child and two others in private school. This wasn’t supposed to be my story.

When I was in counseling so many years ago… I only had Canon at the time, and I was still working part-time from home. I remember my counselor asking me, “Kathryn, what do you want?” That question seemed foreign to me – being such a people pleaser, I always considered what other people wanted when I made decisions. But I allowed myself to dream about the life I wanted. I pictured myself sitting on the floor with three sets of eyes looking at me – eagerly – wanting to learn. I wanted children, and I wanted to teach them. I ended up quitting my job and getting pregnant with Anne :-)

I love teaching. It’s in my DNA. I’ve been teaching my whole life – from playing make-believe school on the playground, to holding chemistry study sessions in high school – to teaching bible studies in college and beyond… I’ve always taught. I wanted to teach my children at home – I wanted those three sets of eyes looking at me – eagerly – ready to do school. But that’s not my story.

God is the author of our stories. I’ve prayed often for him to weave my story into the Grand Story of Him preparing a people for Himself – a people that will spend eternity with Him. He is fulfilling that desire – just not in the exact way I’d envisioned.

As I was carting the kids to their different schools this morning, I found myself grateful for this story God has given me. I am the mom to a disabled child. I am keeper of my home, and I’m waiting for God to open up my next teaching job! It could be writing or speaking or leading a bible study at church. Whatever it is… I’m thinking it’s going to be a good one :-)