Two years.

The following is a copy of my last post on Anne’s CaringBridge site. Thank you for praying and supporting us during the last two years, and thank you for continuing to follow us on my blog :-)

It’s been two years since our accident.

This will be my last post on the CaringBridge site. In the months following our accident, this site was a source of great comfort as so many of you wrote words of encouragement and offered prayers for Anne’s healing. She has made great progress and continues to grow and change in positive ways… but, we are left with the harsh truth that there are parts of Anne’s brain that still have significant damage. We are now learning to live with disability.

Anne still doesn’t walk independently, nor does she have the use of her left hand. She is cognitively challenged by a limited attention span, and she will struggle to keep pace with her peers academically. Yet Anne has many strengths to help her compensate. She is verbally strong and has a deep-rooted desire to love and connect with others. She has an amazing sense of humor and a compassionate heart. She is weak in body, yet strong in spirit :-)

Despite the difficulties of caring for a disabled child, I am struck by moments of inexpressible joy (1 Pet 1:8) and a peace that surpasses understanding (Phil 4:7). These moments are made possible only by the Spirit of God producing them for me. God knows there is nothing inherently joyful and peaceful about caring for a brain-injured child! However…. “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” (Matt 19:26).

I also take great comfort in knowing that God is sovereign. Our car accident wasn’t a case of us being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I don’t think I could go on if I believed I lost the daughter I knew and loved to brain injury just by chance. God’s word assures me there is a purpose for our pain, and therefore, we have the strength to carry on. But I also rest in God’s goodness. Even if I don’t understand His purposes in the here and now, I know that one day I will look back and see that His purposes were good.

So when kind-hearted people ask me how Anne is doing, my response is that she is “good.” Even though the question is directed to her physical and cognitive recovery, I’m not thinking of that. No, I mean that her person is good. God has a purpose for her, disability and all, and that is what is good.

Thank you for being with us these last two years. The ministry you’ve served in our lives is deep and oh-so-meaningful. You’ve carried us and sustained us, and we are so grateful. Feel free to continue to follow our family on my blog, kathrynJackson.com. We are moving on from recovery to adjusting to our new life with our new Anne. We would love to share our journey with you :-)

With much love and gratitude, Kathryn

Waiting

Imagine…

Think of John the Baptist just before he was beheaded. Do you think he questioned whether his whole life’s work – preparing the way for the Messiah – was in vain? Even John the Baptist – who understood better than anyone who the Messiah would be… questioned Jesus. “And John, calling two of his disciples to him, sent them to the Lord, saying, “Are you the one who is to come, or shall we look for another” Luke 7:19?

John knew the Jewish Scriptures. He knew the promises of a Messiah that would come and make all things right, and become King… but Jesus didn’t fit his preconceived mold.

Think of the other John. The gospel-writer John. He had aspirations of being the King’s right-hand man… Ruling the new Kingdom in glory! Imagine how he felt when Jesus – on the cross – commissioned him to care for Mary, His mother. Die? Surely He wouldn’t die. But He did.

And then the darkness came. The utter despair. All hope lost. Dreams were crushed. We’ve all been there, haven’t we? So hopeless that we scream with every cell clenched… “Why God? Where is the good in this?”

It helps knowing the end of the story doesn’t it? Both John’s – on either side of heaven – saw the good of the resurrection. But first, there was the darkness. To a lesser degree, it’s the same with all of our tragedies. We have the benefit of knowing there will be an end to the darkness – whether on earth or in heaven – the darkness will give way to light. The hard part is …the waiting.

It helps to ponder truth during the waiting times. Here’s some good, lyrical truth:-) Happy Easter, friends.

And the old becomes new.

As we approach 2 years post-accident, we have much to be grateful for…

I remember the first time anyone mentioned “brain damage” to me. It was Anne’s second week in the PICU, and she was still in a coma. The PICU nurse innocently said that her neurostorms were just part of the “brain damage.” I just sat and cried as I considered that Anne might have significant brain damage.

I remember when Eric said that he couldn’t ever imagine Anne talking again. I couldn’t imagine her not talking! But a month after the accident when she did begin to talk, it was evident that Anne had significant brain damage. Even her voice sounded different. It still does.

When Anne came home from the hospital, I began to wrestle with how to grieve the old Anne – while at the same time – hoping for parts of her to return. Now I know that the old Anne is gone, and God has given us our new Anne. She is forever different. Even in heaven when she receives a new, unbroken body, her soul will be marked by learning to live with disability. She is simple, yet rich in spirit.

And now two years later, we are in a new house that has no memories of the “old” Anne. There is a finality about this new place. A finality that I am just now able to accept. We’ve been working toward this move for almost a year, and many times I wondered why it was taking so long to sell our old house… But God knew that I couldn’t handle leaving the place where I could see the old Anne in every corner. I loved that Anne. And I don’t see her in this house. There is no island where she would sit and pretend to cook. There is no fireplace where she would stand and sing for us. There is nothing in this house that reminds me of the “old” Anne. She is really …gone.

But. But.

God, in His great mercy has made her new. She is alive – and she is being transformed daily into a picture of God’s tender loving care toward us… his broken children. Anne is indeed special. And we are indeed blessed to know her.

Pray for Anne…

April 2012’s prayer requests:

  1. For wisdom concerning Anne’s Baclofen medication. Baclofen is the muscle relaxer used to reduce spasticity in her left foot, and so far the medication has been effective. But strangely, it acts as a stimulant in Anne resulting in lowered attention span and increased impulsivity. Please pray that we could find the right balance to decrease this negative side affect.
  2. Recently, Anne’s impulse to put everything in her mouth has greatly increased. Please pray for her oral fixation to greatly decrease (this could also be connected to the baclofen…)
  3. For Anne’s inner desire to do things for herself.. like walk and write and eat – to increase so she can begin to gain more independence,
  4. And lastly, for Anne to continue to wrestle with God’s goodness and love for her – and ultimately for her to grow to be a faithful woman of God!

Thank you!

It’s all in the details…

I’ve been a bit preoccupied lately with unpacking, organizing and trying to transform this old “foreclosure home” into something pretty. I typically only have space in my mind for one creative pursuit at a time, hence, writing has taken a back seat for a brief season.

But I’ve been amazed at how God is still present even when I’m focused on simple, temporal matters – such as… which faucet to buy for the powder room.

You see… this faucet couldn’t be too copperish – it had to be really dark bronze – almost black. And then there is this one style that I just love. I call it the waterfall faucet, because when it’s on – it looks like a small waterfall. What can I say? It’s the little things that lift my spirit!

So, I’m standing in Home Depot – eyeing that elusive waterfall faucet – but the color is just not right… way too copperish – and that means it will totally clash with Eric’s mother’s antique mirror that we just HAVE to put in the powder room, right? Right! :-)  …But then my eye stopped on an open box – an outdated box – but with all the right parts – and guess what was in that box??? My waterfall faucet!! But it wasn’t copper. It was dark, dark bronze with just a few copper accents! Oh yeah baby! It was the old model – before they updated it to all copper, and God saved it just for me!!! I’m still a little giddy.

You wanna see it?

And while I’m at it, I’ll show you a few more favorite spots in my old foreclosure home….

I love this pillow!

I love the modern light fixture juxtaposed against Eric’s grandmother’s old fruit paintings :-)

I like this color combination… red with bluish green. It matches the colors in Eric’s grandmother’s painting above. Gotta love that!

More new and old things.

I’ve also been thinking about how our 2 year anniversary of the accident is almost here. And how much both Anne and I have changed in the past year. But I’ll write more about that later. I have to help Eric install the new faucet ;-)

Pray for Anne…

March 2012’s prayer requests:

  1. For Anne’s left foot and hand to respond to her new medication,
  2. For Anne’s self control to catch up to her self awareness,
  3. For Anne to gain more emotional toughness… in order to persevere and strive to get better,
  4. And lastly, for Anne to continue to wrestle with God’s goodness and love for her – and ultimately for her to grow to be a faithful woman of God!

Anne’s seizures have virtually disappeared with a slight increase of her current medication! Thank you for praying!

We’ve moved.

I am so tired.

We have been surrounded and supported by myriads of people during this entire process. Let’s see… So many guys have helped Eric get our “new” house ready. They’ve done plumbing, electrical and carpentry work. It’s been amazing! 12 different people have helped me pack up our old house. Men from our church came last night to move boxes. Family and friends have helped with the kiddos, and Eric’s brother is coming on Saturday to help some more. With a lot of help, we are finally moved!

I am so grateful. And now I’m going to bed!

A lot of good, a bit of bad, and no ugly

I learned something from my meeting at Anne’s school today. Anne still saves her worst behavior for home. Everyone thinks Anne is sweet and loving. She just has a need for attention and lacks self-control. We came up with a positive reinforcement system that will hopefully give her more attention and rewards for good behavior.

Which leaves me to deal with the ugly stuff at home. Stuff like being mean to Kate and yelling at me. Whining and crying and calling me “stupid” when she doesn’t get her way. You know… all the deeper “character” stuff.

So, I’m pleased. I’m thankful for the individuals that surround and support Anne at school. They can work on behavior. And I’m thankful that Eric and I are the ones that get to pour God’s truth and love into her. We get to work on her heart. Thank you for your prayers!

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

The good, the bad and the ugly

I have a meeting at Anne’s school today to discuss her behavior issues.

Anne has always had behavior issues.  I was reading through an old journal recently and found a story illustrating how mean Anne was at 18 months old. And after the story, I had written, “She’s just like her daddy.” Ha! I thought that was funny. (Eric will be the first to tell you that before God changed his heart through salvation – he was selfish and mean!)

The difference between Anne’s behavior issues before the accident and now… is that before, she saved all of her ugly, stubborn, selfish and mean behavior for her family. No one outside our home ever saw that side of Anne. Away from home, Anne was shy and eager to please. “A perfect little angel” people would say.

You know, I like the world seeing the best in my children and leaving me to deal with the ugly stuff. That’s much easier than dealing with all the ugly stuff with teachers and therapists and counselors. Let’s just let everyone outside our home think that we have a perfect little family. I don’t want to share our “ugly side” with the outside world. Well, that’s not for me to decide, now is it.

So Anne has been turned “inside out.” She doesn’t have the self-control to keep anything in. Everything she does and says comes straight from her heart – everyone gets to see ALL the bad – and ALL the good.

And here’s the interesting part to me. Because she’s been turned inside out, it’s much easier to see the good. She’s fiercely loving & affectionate. She’s mean because sometimes she doesn’t feel accepted, and because she loves so deeply, the hurt is especially painful. I can look back to her “before-the-accident” self and understand much more clearly all of her crazy behavior. At the root of everything (both then and now), is a war between Anne’s deep desire to be loved and her compulsion to be in control of… EVERYTHING. Throw in all of her sensory issues (that were present before the accident) and we are left with one complex little girl.

I don’t know how to solve Anne’s behavior issues. But I do know that she is treasured by her Creator. He is passionate about Anne. He loves her like crazy. And my deepest desire is for her to find her value in Him – and not how she behaves at school (whether good or bad).

I would appreciate your prayers for wisdom and a spirit of cooperation and grace at my meeting today. We meet at noon. Thank you :-)

Crazy

Well… Our house is under contract and set to close in 2.5 weeks. I haven’t packed one box. Eric and I have been working on getting our “new” house ready. It was a foreclosure and needs so much work. We’ve already done a ton to the house, but we still need trim, paint, floors, plumbing and electrical work done before we move in (in 18 days!) I think Eric is going to pull it all off (just barely!)

So, I don’t expect I’m going to be writing much in the month of February. But if you like to organize, purge and pack, you are welcome to stop by :-)

And here’s a random video (that I just watched on my friend Shelly’s blog) that made me laugh so hard my side hurt. We all need a good laugh, don’t we?