Value of a Dad

Canon struggled during the first week of school. If you asked him what his favorite part of school was, he’d say, “math.” Recess and lunch were at the bottom of the list. All the boys play soccer during recess, and Canon would just stand on the side – moping. I had a few talks with Canon that went something like this… “Canon – just go play. You’ll have fun. You’ll see.” Those words were worthless…

Eric, on the other hand, seems to know exactly what to say to Canon. Sunday night, he gave Canon an exercise physiology lesson. He talked about muscles squeezing, blood pumping and serotonin levels in the brain. Canon listened. What was his favorite part of school Monday? Recess. He scored two goals playing soccer with the boys. So of course I asked him “Why’d you play?” His answer… “Daddy told me that exercising during recess is good for my mind.” Boys. You gotta love ’em.

Show ready

Our house is still on the market. Eric and I would really love to downsize. It would be nice to have more monthly margin to cover Anne’s medical expenses, and I think I would enjoy having less house to clean!

Call me crazy but I love having my house on the market. I like the adventure of waking up and not knowing whether we will have a showing or not. I get excited when someone calls with a local number… it might be a real estate agent! The best part about listing your house for sale is that it has to be CLEAN! I love having a clean house. But I’m really bad about keeping it clean for my own satisfaction. I have to have external pressure to make me clean… Like someone coming over. Lots of people come over when your house is on the market!!

I know… I’m a little strange, but that just makes life more interesting;-) Now excuse me while I go clean my house, we have a showing tonight!

My Rant :-)

Okay…  Here goes :-)  Can I just say that I’m SO thankful for special ed. services in this county???!!!! Anne’s teachers, case managers, therapists, assistants….  are all amazing and want what is best for Anne. Anne receives absolute top-notch services in a wonderfully nurturing environment. We are so thankful for Anne’s school and the people who work there.

My meeting at Anne’s school went GREAT! Her teacher had nothing but positive things to say about Anne… “She’s no more disruptive than some of the 5 year old boys we have in class.” Everyone seems to have compassion for Anne, and they all genuinely want to help her. All of their recommendations were spot-on. I could not be more pleased.

Academically she’s right on track with her class – and maybe just a little bit ahead in Language Arts. The fact that she has her short-term memory and can learn/retain new information is a miracle. She is loving school – just loving it.

On a different note, Anne is having seizures again – very different than the ones from last winter. Please pray that we would find the right combination of medication(s) to help control the seizures. THANK YOU for all your prayers. I think this is the beginning of a fantastic school year for Anne!!!

School update

Well… Sweet Anne is having difficulty inhibiting her talking and frustration level in class – especially when she gets tired. It’s all understandable. I am meeting with several of Anne’s teachers and therapists on Friday to work out a strategy that is best for Anne.

Please pray that God would give everyone a flexible spirit and grant us all wisdom and clarity regarding Anne’s schedule and behavior strategies. I’ve already had a good conversation with Anne’s primary case manager and her para-pro. I’m encouraged that Anne is surrounded by advocates who truly want what is best for her!!!

Canon and Kate are also doing well… But Canon is struggling a little with not having “immediate” friends. I think he expected to be best friends with everyone in his class by the second day. He’s learning a good lesson about how to make friends – and I’m thankful he can learn in a safe environment. The kids in his class are super sweet, and I’m sure Canon will have plenty of friends soon :-)

It’s never boring around here!!! -kathryn

Ragamuffins

I went to my bible study at church for the first time in over a year this morning. The study has changed a lot since the time of Anne’s accident – all for good…

I was struck by the diversity of the women sitting around the table – and also by the openness… One widow who has a broken relationship with her son. A newlywed realizing that life is not a fairytale. Another newlywed – who is also a widow – experiencing a season of respite after many years of suffering. A woman celebrating her anniversary and the miracle of three adopted children. Another woman thankful for her 46 years of marriage. One expecting her first child. Another celebrating the marriage of her stepson, but still remembering the tragic death of her step daughter. And then there’s me… Absentminded mom to three – and one of those three happens to have a brain injury.

For all our differences, we have one interesting trait in common. We are all ragamuffins, broken vessels, tarnished daughters – but daughters, none the less! I’m more comfortable with others’ brokenness and scars than before the accident.

I think about the kind of people with whom Jesus spent time… Those tax collectors and sinners – the scandalous sort that religious folk avoided. This morning, as I listened to the stories of the women around the table, I thought, “we’re the kind of scandalous folk Jesus would like to hang out with.” Not pretentious. No walls of religious superiority. Just our broken selves, around a table, sharing a meal. It felt good to be at bible study again :-)

Normal

I found myself doing normal tasks this morning. And then I thought, “What is normal, anyway?” Dictionary.com has something to say about this…

Normal: conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural

“not abnormal” Gotta love that! So not helpful. Anyway… Normal depends on a standard. Again, not very helpful – since they’re tons of standards and they’re all really different!

I was listening to the radio as I was doing my “normal” tasks. Laura Story’s Blessings was sailing through the upstairs bedrooms… “We pray for blessings.” I make the bed. “We pray for peace.” I unload the dryer. “We doubt your goodness.” I start paying attention. “We doubt your love.” Yeah. I do that. “As if every promise from your word is not enough.” Ouch.

As followers of Jesus, our standard is the Bible. We define normal from God’s Word. I’m still struggling a bit with this new normal – Is it normal for families to suffer. More specifically, is it normal for children to suffer? Unfortunately, yes.

In this world you will have trouble. But take heart!
I have overcome the world. John 16:33

What’s the promise? He has overcome! This is our temporary home. There will be a day…

He will wipe every tear from their eyes.
There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain,
for the old order of things has passed away. Revelation 21:4

Stories

What is your story? As I was being the carpool mom this morning, carting three kids to school, I thought… This is my story. Wife, mother to three – one special needs child and two others in private school. This wasn’t supposed to be my story.

When I was in counseling so many years ago… I only had Canon at the time, and I was still working part-time from home. I remember my counselor asking me, “Kathryn, what do you want?” That question seemed foreign to me – being such a people pleaser, I always considered what other people wanted when I made decisions. But I allowed myself to dream about the life I wanted. I pictured myself sitting on the floor with three sets of eyes looking at me – eagerly – wanting to learn. I wanted children, and I wanted to teach them. I ended up quitting my job and getting pregnant with Anne :-)

I love teaching. It’s in my DNA. I’ve been teaching my whole life – from playing make-believe school on the playground, to holding chemistry study sessions in high school – to teaching bible studies in college and beyond… I’ve always taught. I wanted to teach my children at home – I wanted those three sets of eyes looking at me – eagerly – ready to do school. But that’s not my story.

God is the author of our stories. I’ve prayed often for him to weave my story into the Grand Story of Him preparing a people for Himself – a people that will spend eternity with Him. He is fulfilling that desire – just not in the exact way I’d envisioned.

As I was carting the kids to their different schools this morning, I found myself grateful for this story God has given me. I am the mom to a disabled child. I am keeper of my home, and I’m waiting for God to open up my next teaching job! It could be writing or speaking or leading a bible study at church. Whatever it is… I’m thinking it’s going to be a good one :-)

School

All three children start school on Monday. For the first time in nine years, I will have consistent time at home… ALONE! I’m very excited! We got to meet all of their teachers yesterday. I was overwhelmed with gratitude as it seems that God has hand-picked the perfect teachers for all three of them.

Anne will be in a general-ed kindergarten class. Her teacher is a former special-ed teacher and from what I hear, is extremely patient. That’s a good thing :-) Anne will share a para-pro with one other special-ed student, and the rest of her class are general ed children. If you would have told me a year ago, that Anne would be a member of a regular kindergarten class, I wouldn’t have believed you! Anne is still under the special-ed umbrella and will continue to receive tons of therapy at school, but she will spend the majority of her time in a typical kindergarten class. Let’s pray she does well!!

Canon and Kate are going to the same school that Anne attended when the accident happened, Atlanta Classical Christian Academy (ACCA). They are both very excited about their teachers. Since I’ve always home-schooled Canon, this will be the first year that he will attend regular school. He’s a little nervous, but I think he’s more excited. When we visited their school yesterday, we were approached by several families that have been praying for Anne since the accident. It’s such a comfort to enter such a supportive community of families at ACCA!

Please pray for Anne as she transitions to regular school. Pray that she will have an extra dose of stamina, so that she might not get over tired and frustrated. Also pray for one friend for Anne. Her greatest fear is that she would not have any friends. I think if she just had one friend, she would feel accepted…

Thank you! -kathryn

Contentment

I just got home from a beach getaway with three of my good friends (without kids!!!!) The four of us stayed up late talking and laughing… we slept in, walked on the beach, read by the pool, snoozed in our beach chairs, floated in the ocean, sat in the sand – and not once did we have to change a diaper, wipe a nose or provide a snack. It was glorious! The whole weekend I tried to rest in this gift of friendship. Finding someone you can just be with… is rare. As we were all sitting on the beach, reading our books, I was struck with such a deep sense of gratitude for the life God has given me… Anne’s brain injury and all.

I’ve been wrestling all summer with contentment, and slowly God has been chipping away at my heart to make it content. Content with my role as mother to a disabled child. Content with God’s plan to heal Anne – or not to heal Anne. Content knowing that God is sovereign, loving and good. Contentment. I breathe it in… Deep. The sounds of the ocean, the picture of my friends reading in peace, my feet buried in the sand, the knowledge that my children are safe with Eric, the seagull in the distance… all point to my Creator God. And I stay still, and breathe slow, and whisper a simple prayer, “Thank you Jesus.”

Anne and God

In short, Anne wrestles with God …and it’s good.

She is constantly asking questions about God…

When we get to heaven, will we still need God?
What does God’s face look like?
What is mercy?
What is the lamb of God?

She reminds me of a curious four year old, but all of her questions center around Jesus. I’m so thankful. She still struggles with God’s goodness. She often says that God doesn’t love her or help her. Or she’ll say, “I’m done with God – because he let the car crash happen.” But then she’ll look up at me and say, “But I do love Him, mommy.”

She’s wrestling. We all wrestle with God’s goodness, we just don’t have the courage to admit it :-) Anne doesn’t have the luxury of hiding. She can’t inhibit herself from talking… you always know what she’s thinking. Thankfully, she has a safe place to wrestle. There is no condemnation in this home – we do not blindly accept God’s goodness. No, my prayer is that God will bring her out on the other side, stronger and more convinced of His goodness and love for her – able to face more of this life’s hardships. And yes Anne… we will still need God when we get to heaven :-)