Anne

Anne-isms…

I’ve noticed something new in Anne over the last three or four days. There seems to be a new light in Anne’s eyes…  It’s hard to describe; her face just seems to have more expression. She laughs more and her eyes seem to hold more. Does that make sense?

She’s also saying things that absolutely crack me up. Sometimes I laugh so loud that I startle her, but she recovers quickly and joins in my laughter.  Here are a few examples…

While eating breakfast…

Anne: What if there were a skunk in my cereal?
Me: Your cereal would be really stinky!
Anne: You’re not supposed to say stinky… that’s a bad word.
Me: Oh, I didn’t know that. I’m sorry.
Anne: Speaking of stinky, can I have some pepsi?

Later that morning…

Me: Anne, I don’t have anything to eat for breakfast, what should I eat?
Anne: What about oatmeal?
Me: We’re all out of oatmeal.
Anne: What about eggs?
Me: We ate all the eggs yesterday.
Anne: Hmmmm….  What about fried Anne?

I love this girl!

Goodness

Anne’s self awareness is continuing to improve. And as a result, I feel like she’s sad a lot…

“I’m not good at anything Mommy.”
“I’m sorry I’m such a problem, Mommy.”
“God doesn’t love me, Mommy.”

Imagine how hard it would be to see your brother and sister run, laugh and play… without you. Especially when she was literally in the middle of their play before the accident. But Canon and Kate show Anne tremendous compassion. They are the first to encourage her when she becomes discouraged, and there’s nothing more wonderful than seeing your children encourage one another!

Kate just gave a “good report” about how well Anne did at the pool today… And then Canon piped in describing how great Anne did at speech therapy. I know God is bringing good out of our story… and it is especially encouraging to see His character so evident in my children!

So thankful :-)

Bad Theology

It’s been a while since I’ve written – mainly because I’ve been extra busy and sad. I’ve been wrestling with why I’ve been so sad, and I think it has something to do with bad theology.

Theology is simply what you believe about God. So lately, I’ve been thinking that God is not working on our behalf, or that we’re not important to him anymore, or that he doesn’t really care about us… Crazy right? How in the world could I think such untrue thoughts… After how He’s cared for us this past year… Not to mention that on every page of the Bible is a love letter to me, His child, and to Anne, one of the “least of these.”

Anne struggles too. She often says… “Why did God make my life harder?” In my worst moments, I’ll think… “Why did God make my life harder?” Self pity is the drug that leads to despair. I think this is the other reason for my sadness. Self-pity. And self pity thrives on bad theology!

I’m thankful that God has led me through depression before Anne’s accident. It was the deep realization of God’s goodness that brought me out of depression. Because of that journey, I know God is good. Now that’s some good theology!!

If God’s goodness is the anecdote to bad theology, what is the anecdote to self-pity? Gratefulness. So I’ve been trying to practice gratefulness. Thank you Jesus that she is alive. Thank you Jesus that Anne can stand on her right foot. Thank you for Anne’s smile. Thank you for providing the means to pay for therapy. Thank you for caring for us. Thank you. Thank you for these circumstances that press us more deeply into You. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Pray for Anne…

July 2011’s prayer requests:

  1. For the fruit of the Spirit to be manifested in Anne’s life…  love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness & self control;
  2. For the parts of Anne’s brain that control her left foot and left hand to heal;
  3. For Anne to continue to come alive cognitively. She is amazing. God is so good.
  4. That Anne would continue to learn how to read, write and walk.
  5. Lastly, please thank God for being very close to Anne and giving her the comfort and peace she needs to persevere in her recovery.

July’s prayer requests are the same as June’s… Anne is showing improvement in her ability to write, which is encouraging. She especially needs prayer for the fruit of the Spirit as her awareness of her disabilities continues to emerge. Thank you!

I love the body of Christ!

I was raised by a single mom who (inadvertantly) taught me the dangers of trust and the benefits of independence. Asking for help is not something in which I’ve had much practice. My tendency is to build a bunker, grit my teeth and ‘tough’ my way through. The bunker mentality leads to isolation which ultimately leads to despair… It’s impossible for me to be everything to Anne and to the rest of my family. In my weakness, my independence only leads to failure.

Because of the public nature of our tragedy, we’ve been surrounded and uplifted. But a year and a few months after the accident, we have slipped out of the forefront, and I find myself in the uncomfortable place of asking for help. Needing help is another paradox in God’s Kingdom. I am greatly blessed by the help of others…

One example – a teenager in our church who has suffered much loss in her own life has an extra dose of compassion for special needs children. She will be Anne’s ‘guide’ during VBS this week. I can’t help but think that God hand-picked her to help before the creation of the world. She is a blessing.

Another example… One of Anne’s Sunday school teachers just out of college has been struggling with joblessness and a sense of purpose. But in this season of uncertainty she has built a network of single girls in her same season, organized a babysitting club, and because of her connections – has found me help for the summer. She is a blessing.

And lastly, a dear friend who is experiencing a season of freedom after years of financial hardship was sharing her wisdom with me. I lamented to her, “I want wings, but I feel God’s hand pressing me down.” And she reminded me… even though her newfound freedom is a gift, it is also a temptation to fly away from the nearness of God. “Slow down, Kathryn. Cherish His nearness.”

Where would I be without the body of Christ? Thankfully, I do not have to live in isolation. God has a better way!

Pray for Anne…

June 2011’s prayer requests:

  1. For the fruit of the Spirit to be manifested in Anne’s life…  love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness & self control;
  2. For the parts of Anne’s brain that control her left foot and left hand to heal;
  3. For Anne to continue to come alive cognitively. She is amazing. God is so good.
  4. That Anne would continue to learn how to read, write and walk.
  5. Lastly, please thank God for being very close to Anne and giving her the comfort and peace she needs to persevere in her recovery.

Neuroamazing

I was talking to Eric the other night about a thought God has given me… First a little background :-)

I’ve always been fascinated by the brain – from as early as I can remember, I wanted to grow up to be a brain scientist (that would be a neurologist, but I didn’t know that word back then!) Anyway, the hook for me was the mystery of it all. And after all the technical and scientific progress we’ve experienced since my childhood, the brain still remains a mystery to the medical community.

I know this is going to sound crazy, but… before the accident, I would climb the stairs to Anne’s darkened room, make my way to her sleeping form, kneel beside her bed and thank God for her brain. Sometimes, I would even put my forehead against hers – just to drink in what I perceived as the awesomeness of her brain. She was so complex, so deeply emotional, fiercely intuitive… Now she is simple…. so very simple.

I was crying out to God about how much I missed Anne… Why her brain, Lord? Her brain – it was beautiful; it was amazing, and now it is… even more amazing… If you look at Anne’s MRI, it is dismal. Severe, diffuse brain damage… diffuse meaning everywhere. Yet she is able to reason, laugh and spontaneously say, “I love you, Mommy.” Anne’s brain is a miracle, and a testimony to the Master Creator. It was like God was saying to me… “You can still marvel, Kathryn.” As Anne regains function, it’s like a layer of the mystery is peeled away, and I get to see a little of how He knits together His masterpiece.  Anne’s brain is neuroamazing :-)

Summer begins

Summer vacation is here!  I’m excited to have Anne at home, and I’m anxious to have Anne at home :-) It reminds me of how I felt when Anne graduated from the Day Rehab program last October. I was tempted to feel anxious about bringing Anne home for good – but I had a sense that God was working on Anne’s behalf in ways I couldn’t see… yet! After one week at home, God brought both a Speech Pathologist and a Physical Therapist across our path. God continues to use those women in Anne’s life. So I’m excited to see what He has in store for this summer…

Especially, because I think Anne’s on the brink of something big. On the surface, it appears as if she’s regressed… She’s more orally fixated, more fidgety; her impulsivity seems to be off the charts. But in the past, what looked like regression was really something new awakening in Anne’s brain, and it just took her time to sort it all out. I’m hoping this is the beginning of another amazing work of God in Anne!

I also pray that I have the wisdom to balance rest and therapy. I’ve found that Anne makes large strides in her recovery after periods of rest.

So please pray for our time at home. It’s tough for me to balance all of my household responsibilities with caring for Anne at home AND spending time with all three children. It’s a bit overwhelming for me frankly… So, pray for energy and patience for all of us Jacksons this summer!  Also, please pray for Anne’s continued healing… less impulsivity, improved cognitive abilities – and for her feet. Her poor feet, especially her left foot… I wrote a whole entry about Anne’s feet last fall, and her left foot is still as weak as ever. I pray earnestly for God to heal the part of her brain that controls her feet.

Thank you for staying close to our family in prayer this summer!

Radio Silence

Sorry for the long absence. The month of May marks the end of school, and since my three children are in three different schools… well, we’ve been busy. Kate’s last day was Friday; Canon & Anne both finish Wednesday, and our summer will begin.

Frankly, I’m a little anxious about summer. I usually love having my children at home, but Anne is in a “demanding” phase which makes life difficult. But it forces me to interact with her, which is vital for her continued development and recovery.

Adding to my anxiety is the fact that I have been a bit lazy about reading the bible lately – which is always a source of great comfort for me. I’m sure God still has a good plan for Anne’s life – it’s just hard for God to remind me when I’m not reading His word!

Sigh. I can’t wait for heaven :-)

A Moment

I can’t tell you how many times God has shown up in the most personal of ways to encourage me in my darkest moments. One of my favorite moments happened just two days after the accident. I couldn’t even walk to the PICU to see Anne; I had to be pushed in a child-sized wheel chair by my friend, Christy. Anne’s head was swollen to twice its normal size and the pressure in her brain was dangerously high. Her survival was still in question, and I wasn’t well enough to stay with her. Leaving my little girl – not knowing if she would live – was one of my lowest points. Continue reading →