Grief

A child’s grief

Anne has started showing more signs of self awareness, and she’s also asking some difficult questions…

“I’m sad that i have a brain injury, dada.”
“Mama, I’m sad that i can’t walk.”
“Daddy, why did God let me get hurt in the accident?”

And Canon has begun to process his grief….

Weeping, Canon said, “I cant imagine Anne ever getting better. I can’t imagine her ever walking. I just want things to go back to the way they were before the accident. I want to go back to that day and tell you to go a different way, mommy.”

There are no easy answers for our 6 and 8 year old children. They reflect my own questions and grief. God in his goodness has met us in our grief and uncertainty. And he will continue to walk us through this tunnel to the end.

Please pray for us as we seek wisdom and comfort.
Thank you :-) -kathryn

Merry Christmas!

Well, Almost. . . . . . Kate(4) has enthusaistically asked me every day this week – “is tomorrow Christmas?” Little Anne, catching wind of these discussions has started asking me – “is today Christmas?” i suppose the theory being, if i keep asking maybe mom and dad will eventually give in and say that today IS Christmas :-)

Little Anne had a really good day yesterday. . . she just seemed a little more lucid and ‘with it’. After a strenuous OT session, she asked Kathryn on the drive home – “i’m tired, i worked so hard today, can we go to Wendy’s?” Her conversation just seemed a bit more normal and the tone in her voice seemed more herself. She seemed to switch topics less frequently and kept on-track.

Over breakfast, as Canon(8) and i were discussing our new family dynamics and how God still has a good plan for Anne and for us amidst the difficulty, Canon reminded me: “Daddy, its like the story of Joseph!” How so, i asked. Canon suggested that just like Joseph’s trip down the dark well of hopelessness, God made it all for blessing and for good – and for His purposes!

Kathryn and i have been a bit more anxious (and even sad) these past 2 weeks as we consider little Anne’s challenges and how she loved Christmas last year. Canon’s Jospeh account that God is writing a story that will glorify Him through the weakness of a child (Anne) is amazing wisdom. What a great thing for me to remember as we focus not on ourselves, but on the Christ-child. . . . . through the weakness of a baby, God chose to save us!

-eric

Struggling with Christmas

I just got home from our church’s Christmas program rehearsal. Three of us are particpating in it, so it was a busy night!

Tonight’s rehearsal crystalized some thoughts for me – as I’ve been wrestling with why I’m struggling with Christmas this year. I didn’t want to put up the tree, but I did it- for the kids’ sake. I didn’t want to deal with presents or wrapping paper. I don’t like seeing all the lights. It’s all so painful – b/c it’s all tainted with grief.

I think for the first time in my life, I find myself wanting to push past all of this christmas-y stuff – and find Jesus. I have this image in my mind of unwrapping this huge box that is covered with commercial christmas paraphernalia. And the box is really hard to unwrap and open – layers and layers and layers of paper and packing tape and packing material – to finally uncover the tiny Christ child – hiding in the bottom of the box.

Thinking of the Holy Night of Christmas requires discipline to be still – but thankfully, it is where I’ve found comfort this Christmas season…

And I’ve needed comfort… I am taking Anne to the neurologist tomorrow morning b/c we think she might be having seizures. We’ve been calling them “episodes.” She’ll zone out and jerk her body slowly. They last anywhere from 30 seconds to 2 or 3 minutes and they are SO difficult to watch. It’s just a painful reminder that my sweet little girl has a serious brain injury.

Will you pray for us tomorrow morning?

  1. that the neurologist will have wisdom to properly diagnose Anne, and
  2. that I wouldn’t get so anxious when these episodes do happen, and finally,
  3. that they would DISAPPEAR :-)

Trying to find Jesus at the bottom of the box… -kathryn

Dark days

Sorry that we haven’t posted in a while… Sometimes we don’t post because there just isn’t much to report – or it could be because we’re insanely busy… But this time it’s because I’ve been unusually sad. I don’t know whether it’s the Christmas season or other circumstances, but I just feel spent and downcast.

I’ve experienced enough dark seasons in my life to know that it won’t always be like this! One day I’ll look back at this Christmas, and be SO thankful that I’ve lived through it and don’t have to go back :-)

But something I read tonight encouraged me a little… It’s from December 13th’s entry of Streams in the Desert:

“Sometimes the darkness in our lives is worse, because we cannot even see the web we are weaving or understand what we are doing. Therefore we are unable to see any beauty or any possible good arising from our experience. Yet if we are faithful to forge ahead and ‘if we do not give up’ (Gal. 6:9), someday we will know that the most exquisite work of our lives was done during the days when it was the darkest.”

Oh I hope it is true!

…I am taking Anne to visit her new teacher tomorrow. Please pray for God to use her and the other students in Anne’s class for good in Anne’s life – and for God to use Anne for good in their lives as well.

Forging ahead :-) – kathryn

Life has been very good lately…

We had a wonderful visit with family yesterday. Eric’s family from France are in the States for a few days. As we gathered with everyone, Anne seemed more lucid. Her eyes were bright, and she seemed less impulsive than usual. It was a good time.

This morning, Anne’s PT visited. It is so clear that she is God’s provision for Anne right now. She spent extended time with Anne, and Anne seemed to perform well for her. The PT is genuinely excited to work with Anne which is so encouraging to me. She’s so knowledgeable and experienced. I’ve learned so much from her already!

One interesting observation she made was that Anne’s muscles have good strength and seem to work well. Her brain just needs to be rewired to move them correctly. This requires that we are consistent with her exercises. She seems to learn quickly – but she doesn’t carry over new skills from day to day. Repetition and consistency are very important for Anne – two things that I do not excel in.

So please pray that I might be disciplined to do Anne’s exercises and also creative to see ways I can incorporate ‘therapy’ into our daily activities.

One last thought. I’ve had more peace about Anne than ever before. I think it stems from two things… First, acknowledging that Anne is forever different is a step toward acceptance – which is one of the stages in grief. In other words, I don’t feel as weighed down by grief as much as before (that could change, but for now, it’s nice :-). Second, I feel like I’m resting more in God’s hand and plan for Anne. It’s easy to place my trust in good things – like therapy, nutrition or Anne’s progress – but ultimately, God has the final say about Anne’s life. It’s refreshing to find rest in God alone.

Thankfully, kathryn

A different Anne

This evening Canon and Kate built a little train in the driveway made of a bicycle and two tricycles. They connected all three with bungie cords. Kate and Canon rode on the first two with the third empty. Canon then stated enthusiastically: “when Anne is well, she can ride with us!” Kate and Canon had so much fun with great laughter as they rode in big wide circles while the funky train weaved back and forth with only moderate control. I so wanted little Anne to be a part of the joy that kids experience in this kind of play. . . . .maybe one day God will bring Canon’s wish to our minds as we see Anne playing with her brother and sister. . . . .

Since Anne has been home all day these past couple of weeks, Anne’s deficits are more apparent. Canon has been more sad and moody. Noticing the change, Kathryn asked Canon why he was feeling down. Canon said: “Anne just seems so different. I can’t play with her like I used to, and when I try to talk to her, she starts talking about something else.” …meaning that Anne has a difficult time staying on topic.

We’re all very sad that Anne is so different. She’s not only different because of her physical and attention deficits, but her personality has shifted as well. Simply put, all the intricate connections in her brain were changed by the injury.

On the flip side, we get to watch God build Anne into what He wants her to be. He cares for her more than we can imagine. He has already called an OT, PT and Speech Therapist to work with Anne while she is home. These women individually felt God calling them to use their skills to help Anne – and stepping out in faith, God is using them to richly bless our family!!

-kathryn and eric

Waiting and Celebrating

It has been a glorious day! It’s been filled with good friends, laughter, encouraging words and even some tears.

Eric and I had the privilege of attending a friend’s wedding. She is in her 50’s and was married for the first time today! Over the last six months, as I’ve shared in her engagement and wedding planning – her story of waiting – has been such an encouragement to me. It was such joy to see all of her waiting culminate in this beautiful wedding day!

Anne’s former Sunday School teacher, Ms. Debbie came over to care for Anne. Anne – with all of her new emotions emerging – screamed as loudly as you can imagine a petite six year old to scream – MS. DEBBIE! MS. DEBBIE! MS. DEBBIE!! Anne had a good day filled with Ms. Debbie’s boundless energy and enthusiasm.

Eric and I were so encouraged to see both current and old friends at the wedding – many of whom follow Anne’s story on Caring Bridge. These friends shared significant, comforting words with us. We left very full.

One friend (whose late husband worked with head injury patients) confirmed what I’ve observed in Anne. Most head injury patients are different than their former selves. God has chosen to leave Anne on this earth – but he has left her as a completely different child than she was before. Grieving the old Anne is very painful, but it is sweet to have hope in the Creator for new Anne’s future. It is exciting to wait and watch how God builds and grows this new Anne.

So what does life look like now that Anne has graduated from Day Rehab? …We are waiting. Due to all the evaluations that have to take place, Anne probably won’t start school until late 2010/early 2011. We are waiting to start outpatient therapy until insurance details are solidified. So Anne is at home for a little while. I think it’s a good time of rest for all of us.

So we wait and rest. Please pray that we might strike the right balance between rest and work – as I try to stretch Anne both physically and cognitively each day. And pray that God would move people to come alongside us during this interim period – to provide exactly what Anne needs for this stretch of her journey.

Thank you! -kathryn

Grief & Joy

Anne continues to make very slow progress. And I continue to experience a very paradoxical life…

I experience both grief and joy daily. Not just a little grief and a little joy – no, the kind of grief that feels suffocating – and the kind of joy that fills you with awe.

The only way I manage to stay sane is to stay in the present. I feel like God is teaching me to wait and trust. Every morning, I ask God for strength to do both. He is faithful to sustain our family. He gives strength for the day with the joy of His presence sprinkled on top.

We have so much to be grateful for as Anne slowly emerges and shows more emotion…

On Sunday night, she was crying – the hardest I’ve seen her cry. She explained that she was thinking of a little boy in her Sunday School class that had been crying because he missed his mommy …so sweet.

Her joy is infectious, especially when she’s playing with Canon and Kate. They love her so much – showering her with kisses, tickles and hugs. She’s witty and has the cutest laugh. She loves to tell Knock-Knock jokes.

She’s refreshingly straightforward. The other evening, I was challenging her to walk a certain distance. In the middle of me ‘encouraging’ her to take a step, she said, “You’re commanding me. Why are you commanding me?”

She gets frustrated with Kate when Kate gets a little rambunctious. Yesterday Anne hollered, “Feet to yourself, Kate!”

We do love Anne so, but work each day to remain open handed before God. She is His – to do with as He pleases.

So we wait, and we trust. -kathryn

FYI: Her CAT scan is scheduled for 9/28…

These boots are made for walking

Anne is FINALLY starting to make a little progress with her walking.

On her first day of rehab (May 7th) – she had no head support, and the only part of her body she could move on command was her right index finger. She made great strides in the next few weeks (especially cognitively), so that when she left the hospital, she could sit, track with her eyes, eat and talk – but her walking never really improved…

Just in the last few days I’ve seen the first improvement in her walking. Her feet are more relaxed. She’s stepping great with her right, and even moving her left leg a little. I don’t have to assist her as much with weight-shifting… and her balance seems to be improving. I’ve been helping her climb the stairs. She’s got great strength in her right quadricep. We’re even working on descending the stairs. This is harder for Anne because when she initiates the step down with her right leg, she must bend her left knee, but she can do a few steps :-) All of this is very encouraging!!

We’re still praying constantly for sweet Anne. She’s made so much progress, but we’re humbly hoping for more. We’re trying to remain open handed with Anne. Every day, I go through the same emotional pattern… Grief, followed by surrender, followed by hope.

Please pray for Anne:

  1. That her walking will continue to improve
  2. That her focus and attention will improve so that she can particpate in group activities\
  3. That God will give her a clear and crisp mind, and
  4. That she would be aware of God’s presence and care for her.

Thank you! -kathryn

Stomping and Staring…

So sorry that I haven’t updated the site in a while… Simply put, I just feel sad. I miss Anne when she’s at rehab. I miss the old Anne when she’s at home. The physical demands of caring for Anne coupled with the emotional work of grieving is just exhausting.

I feel like God is prompting me to accept the fact that the old Anne is just that – old. And then to trust Him to make the new Anne better than she was before… But I’m resisting.

I feel like Kate when she gets mad. She stomps her feet and looks at me with a real mean stare. It takes all of my will-power not to laugh at her! Clearly her stomping and staring do nothing to sway my will. I still know best – whether she likes it or not ;-)

I know God knows best, but I don’t like it right now, and I just want to stomp my feet a little longer. But I won’t stomp long – it’s just too painful…

Only God has the power to heal and shape Anne. He loves her and has good plans for her – plans to prosper her, to give her a future and a hope.

God is near – even when I’m stomping and staring.

Praying unceasingly for little Anne – kathryn