Kathryn’s Blog

Standing in the swirling

Life swirls… Hence, the long break between posts ;-) But lately, I’ve experienced something extremely rare… at least for me. I see it – the whirling and swirling – but I’ve been able to stay calm and still. It’s very strange actually – to stand still while life moves fast. I’m trying to savor it :-)

Last week was crazy. C-R-A-Z-Y. But I managed to breath deep and just ‘be.’ Here’s a funny example :-) Anne had an important doctor’s appointment last Wednesday morning. I try to schedule her appointments right after carpool, so that (hopefully) no time is wasted, and everyone’s on time. We arrived (early, no less) to school, and Kate declares, “Uh-oh mommy, I don’t have my shoes.” WHAT? How do you leave the house without shoes? Seriously, HOW DO YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT SHOES? But I decided that a temper tantrum would help no one – so I sent Kate in without her shoes and took Anne to the doctor. They found Kate some shoes in the lost and found, and everyone was just. fine.

Life’s too short to worry over forgotten shoes. Life’s too short to stress over report cards and real estate agents (our house is on the market again).  This past weekend, my best friend and I took a road trip to a country music concert. We were surrounded by kids in plaid drinking beer. I felt very out of place. But we had FUN. And just like deciding not to freak out over Kate’s shoes, I had to make a decision to just relax and have fun. We laughed, danced, sang and laughed some more (especially at the plaid, drunk kids). It was good.

There was a moment during the concert when I experienced that rare sensation of standing still and watching the swirls. There were lights flashing and drums blaring and drunk boys screaming – and I just stood – and was grateful – for a life beyond the noise. Because in the middle of all the craziness… there is abundance of life. You just have to know where to look. Stand still, block out the swirling, and find the cross – rising above it all, singing its love song – and know peace.

“Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!”
The Lord of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress (Psalm 46:10-11).

What I saw in the window today

God’s Kingdom. I love to think about it. Anne’s accident has stirred this new interest in me. Most of the time… I feel like a child – lost in a snowy forest… crunch, crunch, crunching through the snow – searching and hoping. But when I read my bible – and I mean really sit and read and think about what I’m reading – it’s like I see a warm, welcoming cabin but with all the curtains drawn – and I get excited and curious – and then a small corner of the curtain opens – and there’s a figure… motioning for me to peek. And I do.

Have you ever thought of what the Jews expected of their “Messiah?” One of the first words Mary hears from the angel about her son, “The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end” (emphasis mine). Her son would grow up and become a King. The word, king, represented something to Mary – and to all the Jews. Ruler, power, freedom from tyranny. They all hoped for it. Many still do.

Nathanael, one of the twelve, when he first meets Jesus, says to Him, “Rabbi, you are the Son of God; you are the King of Israel.” He expected Jesus to overthrow the Roman government and make Israel the most powerful nation on earth. All of the disciples expected this.

John 2-4 are fascinating chapters because these events happened before Jesus officially asked any of his disciples to be “disciples.” He hadn’t asked them to leave their nets, or homes or other jobs. A few men – we know of 5 for sure- just traveled with Jesus and watched. And John, being one of those 5 – gave us details that none of the other gospel writers did… like Jesus’ first miracle (John 2:1-12). It was AMAZINGLY… ordinary. He made wine from water to save the host from embarrassment, and nobody saw the miracle except Jesus’ ragged companions and the servants. …Doesn’t sound very king-like to me.

Then John takes us to Jerusalem for the Passover (John 2:12-22). Jesus seems to act like a mad-man, making a whip out of chords, driving all the animals from the temple and overturning tables. Money was literally scattered everywhere. Why? Even the Jews asked Him why; “Give us a miracle to show us you have the authority to do this,” they cried. And he speaks spiritually; “Destroy this temple, and I will raise it in three days.” The Jews take him literally, and they scoff, “It has taken 46 years to build this temple, and you are going to raise it in 3 days?”

Why did he make such a public spectacle in the temple? I’ll tell you why – He. is. the. King. He’s not aiming to be King of just the land of Israel. That’s way too small for Him. His is a spiritual Kingdom – one that has no end, no limits. He comes into His place, and we watch as He overturns the spiritual leadership of the day.

John writes that later his disciples remembered what He had said and they believed. Later refers to… after the crucifixion, after the three agonizing days of despair, after the ressurection and after the ascension to when the Spirit came – and gave understanding. When we believe, His Spirit comes down and gives us understanding and makes our heart a temple – and Jesus comes in… and becomes King, overturning and scattering. Why? The answer lies in John’s next paragraph…

Now while he was in Jerusalem at the Passover Feast, many people saw the miraculous signs he was doing and believed in his name. But Jesus would not entrust himself to them, for he knew all men. He did not need man’s testimony about man, for he knew what was in a man (John 2:23-25).

He knows what is in me. It’s not always pretty. But He came anyway, while we were still sinners, and destroyed the old temple – and built a new one in three days. Jesus is building His Kingdom…

one lowly sinner,

one weak vessel, and

one sacrifice at a time.

The Falcons and Tim Tebow – What do they have in common?

As a life-long Falcons’ fan… I’ve been dealt a hard lot. The Falcons layed a big goose-egg yesterday against the Giants. It was painful to watch. But then Tim Tebow led the the Bronco’s to a long-shot (nothing short of miraculous) win over the Steelers in overtime. It was AWESOME!!! (sorry Steelers’ fans…)

Last night, I sat on the sofa – with my arms crossed – and despite the amazing Tebow-show, I was in a bad mood. The Falcons’ loss just helped all of my angst come to the surface. I complained to Eric… “I’m tired. I look ahead and see the same monotonous routines. There’s nothing to look forward to. Theoretically, I know God can give me joy – but I don’t want to pray, I don’t want to read my bible… I don’t want anything to do with ‘seeking God.’  I’m tired of Him too.”

Poor Eric – he just sat and listened as I scowled and acted like a spoiled-two-year-old brat. And he, always gracious and patient with me,  just empathized and didn’t judge.

And later, as I pried open my bible, I read about how God loves us – even though we are still sinners. And God made the familiar words fresh… I’m a sinner – and you know what… I’m okay with that. I can own that label. I’m rebellious and down-right bad… unfaithful and whiny – and it’s an afront to the living God – and he actually died because of it.

But I’m not defiled by that label. God has given me a new name… My value comes – not from my performance – but because He made me and died for me. I’m part of His family, and He’s consumed with gathering His family close. I’m okay with that too.

So back to the Falcons and Tim Tebow :-) As Eric and I were going to bed, I said (tongue in cheek), “God poured His blessings DOWN on Tebow tonight!” And Eric had the audacity to say… “Well, He also poured His blessing down on the Falcons.”

What, Eric? I wasn’t in the mood to hear truth… But Eric can’t help himself – he was born to speak the truth. And he continued…. “Great blessing can be found in pain and suffering – if you choose to look for it.”

If you choose to look for it. Am I choosing to look for good? Eric rambled on about all the good that has come from our accident. He’s good at speaking truth, and it was good for me to listen :-)

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God (Ephesians 3:14-19).

A day in the life (cont.)

Well… after wrestling with Canon & Kate for an hour, getting dinner on the table and sitting with Anne for the last hour – just talking. I’m tired. Which is the way it usually goes in the evenings…

Thankfully, Eric puts the kids to bed around 7pm so I can decompress for a bit before we hit the hay at the ghastly hour of… 9pm.  Seven is almost here… Ahhhhhhhh.

All in all… It has been a really good day!

A day in the life

Canon and Kate started back to school yesterday, but Anne’s school doesn’t start until next week – which leaves just me and Anne together all week. I thought it might be fun to document what a day with Anne is like :-) So here goes…

6:05am – alarm goes off. I hit the snooze button (twice).

6:25am – get up, get ready – pack Canon and Kate’s lunches and make their breakfast. I’m spoiling them this week with fresh pancakes hot off the griddle. They better not get used to it.

7:00am – pry Kate out of bed – argue about tights vs. socks – force her to brush her hair and help Canon change the turtle’s water (we are turtle-sitting for a friend …that’s another story for another day).

7:15am – get Anne up, change her pull-up and carry her downstairs to the van while herding Canon and Kate in that direction…

7:45am – drop Canon and Kate off. Anne tries to talk to the guy helping with carpool… “How are you? You sure are doing a great job…” But he doesn’t notice. sigh.

8:05am – arrive home and make breakfast for Anne. She wants sausage and waffles – with syrup. It’s bath day so I let her have the syrup – but I can’t sit with her while she eats – she makes too big of a mess – so I sit at the computer and eat my oatmeal while checking my email.

8:30am – wipe the syrup off of Anne’s face, hands, clothes & table – And I let her watch Curious George while I decompress for 30 minutes.

9:00am – It’s poopy time. I give Anne one glycerin suppository and carry her to the potty. We sing songs and play pretend games while she works to pass her bowel movement. We sing the “Days of the Week Song” and I’m shocked that she remembers that it’s Wednesday. Every day we go over “yesterday, today and tomorrow” and talk about the unique aspects of each day. She has a hard time with time concepts – that’s typical for frontal lobe brain damage – but today… she remembered! Yeah!

She thinks she needs another suppository to pass more – so I give her one more suppository and sure enough – she had to go more. After 30 minutes… she’s done. That’s actually pretty quick. (Note… glycerin suppositories have zero medication – they simply act as a physical stimulant… Anne still needs a little bit of help to get things started)

9:30am – clean up kitchen from breakfast and put a roast in the crock pot while Anne plays on her ipad.  I had to borrow  ingredients from my mom – who has her own apartment in our basement. She’s still asleep, so I have to be super quiet – I’ll tell her I stole vinegar worchestershire sauce later – when I give her a birthday card. She’s 73 today… she can sleep as long as she likes! By this time, Anne’s already had two seizures. The last one was a bad one – which means she comes out of this trance-like state extremely agitated. Much crying and slapping and biting. Ugh. It’s bath time…

10:00am – Let Anne play in the bathtub while I clean the bathroom and straighten the kids’ rooms. I check on the turtle – who has gone poopy in her fresh water. Typical. Next up… I have to wash Anne’s hair – which is my least favorite thing to do – except for maybe brushing her hair. Her head was hyper-sensitive before the accident – and unbelievably – it’s even more sensitive now. She screams and thrashes the whole time – I try to restrain her so at least something stays dry in the bathroom – but by the end… I’m soaking wet and we’re both upset. And then I have to brush her hair – it’s easier to do when it’s wet – but she still hates it. hates. it. Again, I have to hold her right hand as she tries to pull the brush from me. But she’s left with beautiful, tangle free hair – and I’m left needing a glass of wine – too bad I don’t like wine ;-)

11:00am – This is our special time. I read to her, and then we review her sight words. Then, I make sentences with her sight words and she practices tracking the words left to right. It’s hard for her to see the words on the far left… so we practice as she points to each word as she says it. This is hard for Anne. So I reward her by letting her lie down on her tummy and I rub and stretch out her legs and feet. She gets sleepy, so I lie down with her and we’re both asleep – and bam – we wake up and it’s after 12pm. Anne has an OT appointment at 1pm, so we start scrambling :-)

12:15pm – I change Anne’s pull-up and put on her braces. I don’t have time to fix her lunch, so we head to Wendy’s. She eats better in the car anyway. I don’t know why.

1pm – OT – and 45 minutes of freedom for me. I run to publix to grab a card for my mom + extras of all the ingredients I had to borrow from her this morning. I get back to the OT office to find that Anne has worked a puzzle she has struggled with in the past – but this time she did it easily. Progress. We like it!

2pm – I have 45 minutes until I have to pick up Canon and Kate – so Anne and I run a few errands. Anne talks to everyone she sees. She’s always so sweet to strangers. She forces me out of my introverted shell… and then we head to school. In the carpool line, Canon’s teacher asks to speak to me. Great – this is either really good or really bad – thankfully, it’s really good. In bible, his class is discussing Jesus’ parables, so after talking through the parable of the sower (Matthew 13), Canon’s teacher asks the class –  how would you classify the soil of your own heart? rocky, thorny, good? Canon’s answer: I hope my heart is good soil… but I’m not sure. His innocent humility touched his teacher, and she took the time to share with me. You gotta love that.

3:25pm – We all get home and give Me-Ma her birthday card (along with more Worcestershire sauce and Apple Cider Vinegar) and promise to take her out for a good meal this weekend. Anne always spends an hour with Me-Ma in the afternoons, so I can spend time with Canon and Kate and get dinner started. But today.. I have a meal in the crock-pot, so I’m writing this blog post – which has turned out to be really long!

It’s time for me to play with Kate. I’ll finish out the day with an evening post…

Grief, Silence and lots of stomping.

Sorry for the silence… Old-man grief came out of his hiding place to surprise me once again. I don’t know why I’m surprised – it’s Christmas after all.

I think what really did me in was going to Stone Mountain… My mom (being the extremely generous mom that she is) gave us a trip to Stone Mountain for Christmas… so we packed up and headed east for a one night’s stay at the Stone Mountain Inn for a bit of (fake) snow fun.

We spent a weekend at Stone Mountain in May 2009 – one year before the accident. Anne loved it.

On top of the Mountain in 2009

Anne climbing on the rope's course in 2009

Anne in all of her cuteness in 2009

I know I shouldn’t compare. It’s fruitless and worst of all… it’s painful. I just miss that Anne so much sometimes.

I’m still struggling with acceptance… I’m just not at peace with this new life God has called our family into. I don’t like how difficult it is; it’s tough living moment by moment… and right now I just feel like a whiny, cry-baby. I don’t know how to get to acceptance*. I think it has something to do with giving up control, releasing expectations, trusting that God is good, trusting that God will help me with this huge responsibility He’s given me – all the while continuing to fight and push to provide the best care to help Anne reach her maximum potential (*paraphrased from Stephanie Hubach’s book, Same Lake, Different Boat).  No wonder I’m struggling with acceptance – that all sounds impossible! Thankfully – God (alone) can do it for me.

All things considered, our family had a good time at Stone Mountain in 2011. It was just very different from 2009.  God still has a lot of work to do in my heart, but I’m grateful that He is faithful to finish what He has started in me… and in Anne. Our Anne is precious – and I am grateful for all of the parts of her that work well – and even the parts that don’t :-)

Stone Mountain 2011

How can you not love this girl?

A picture update

We’ve been on a whirlwind tour of Christmas parties, concerts and other holiday activities. As of today, all of my children are home for Christmas break – just in time to celebrate Christmas with Eric’s family tomorrow – and then the 24th :-) I love Christmas Eve! I’m in a much better place this Christmas than last year…. when the grief pulled me under. The light eventually came, but last December was hard. Thinking back on it… I miss how dependent I felt on God. There’s something about being low that makes us look up.

Here are some highlights of the last few weeks…

Anne received an award in front of all the lower grades for mastering her 50 sight words. This pic was taken after the ceremony. Kate and Canon were so proud of her!

One of Anne’s many “holiday” parties…. She got to make a gingerbread house – but all she really wanted to do was eat the candy :-)

Merry Christmas from our crazy family to yours!!!!!

Canon-isms

We just received an interesting Christmas card from some family friends. They put a different spin on their “Christmas letter” by including funny quotes from their kids which they’ve collected throughout the year. One of the kids is a friend of Canon’s, so I let him read his quotes.  After reading, Canon says, “That doesn’t sound like Jake…  I would never say silly stuff like that.”

Really, Canon? I’ve decided to record Canon’s “silly sayings” not over the next year – just over the next hour. We’ll see what he says then ;-) So here we go…

You don’t need to mop the floor. The only things you need are God, food and a bathroom… and a bed to sleep in. Nah. You can just sleep on the ground.

Mommy, if you ever become an opera singer, my ears will shrivel up in disgust.

I’m not rotten… I’m incredibly rotten.

I have the hicca-ma-muppers.

Can I have another biscuit? (No, Canon) Okay, then can I put this biscuit in my mouth and send it through my digestive system?

I’m going to kick you out. Let me go get my steel-toed boot. (don’t worry…. he doesn’t really have a steel-toed boot!)

(While wrestling with Kate…) My glasses just made an ominous cracking sound.

I say a regular sentence, and people literally start rolling on the floor laughing.

That was all just from tonight. I can’t imagine what a whole year’s worth of quotes would contain …and I don’t think I want to find out ;-)

Sleepy Conversations

It’s late… 11:30pm or so, and Anne just called out for me. It’s rare that she wakes up at night, so I went straight to her room….

“Mommy, I called your name because I need your help to get comfy.”
“Okay Anne” and I bent down to kiss her head…
“Mommy, you know… you are real close to my fragile part. Be careful, Mommy”
“I won’t kiss your fragile part, Anne. I promise.”
“Do you think I need music to go back to sleep?”
“No, Anne. It’s the middle of the night. You will go right back to sleep.”
“Goodnight, Mommy.”

It always amazes me how perfectly she speaks… using full sentences, flawless grammar and precise diction. Even when she is half-asleep – the verbal part of her brain works… and it works well. It’s a good thing to go to bed grateful to God for my little girl’s brain.

It’s a good. good. night.

Congratulations, you can’t do it!

My friend and I were talking yesterday about how we put so much energy into being comfortable. Don’t ask me to take risks or make sacrifices – that’s not comfortable. We try to avoid pain at all costs… emotional, physical, spiritual – you name it… we want to avoid it. But I think about the richest times in my life – or the times when I’ve learned or grown the most – and it’s always when I’ve felt the weakest. How can we truly know that God is sufficient and will meet all of our needs – if we put all of our energy into creating bubbles in which we feel competent and secure?? Thankfully, God loves us enough to burst open those bubbles…

I remember my first “hard” decision as a young Christian. I was in college, and my relationship with my mother was… uncomfortable and painful – so trying to avoid Continue reading →