Milestones

A friend kindly wrote to me today… “Thinking of you this week.”

I had to stop and think about what she could mean… And then I remembered, “Ahhh. Saturday is the day.”

Yes, Saturday will mark three years since Anne’s accident. April 13th becomes easier with each passing year. The pain of losing Anne becomes more dull, and the joy of gaining Anne becomes more evident. God is good!

I’m actually hostessing a baby shower on April 13th. I can’t think of a better way to spend the day than surrounded by friends celebrating a new life. God’s mercies are new every morning!

And while we’re on the subject of milestones, I just published my 100th post on my bible:365 blog. If I taught kindergarten, I would do something fun like… string together 100 paperclips or eat 100 M&M’s (ugh). But I’m not a kindergarten teacher, so I just had a cookie ;)

Happy 100 posts to me! And more importantly… Happy 3 years of enjoying our new Anne!

Hangin’ with the boys

Face painting with Canon, Kate and cousin Isabella!

A picnic in the front yard!

We love our Anne!

OMG!

This is what Anne’s teacher sent me today…

“Anne moved her monkey to great!”

“This is why! Omg she wrote all of this on her own except for the highlighted ones”

Let me just tell you… One year ago, Anne could only write her name – and she needed help writing the letters in a line. From my perspective, the work she did today is miraculous!!! We are doing cartwheels in the Jackson house today :)

A more meaningful Easter

Our family wheeled Anne through the crowded sanctuary. We hadn’t gotten there as early as we had planned. Our usual spot was taken over by the crowds on Easter. We were forced to the front. As we filled the empty chairs, Anne squealed, “Miss Debbie! Miss Debbie!”

Other than family, Miss Debbie is one of the few constants in Anne’s life. Their relationship is the same as it was before the accident when Anne was in her 3-year-old Sunday school class. We haven’t seen Miss Debbie in months. But God let us find her today. Continue reading →

A good friday for Anne…

My sweet Anne.

She didn’t use her words. All she had to say was… “Please stop touching me.” But she stuck her pencil up the little girl’s nose instead. That poor sweet girl. Anne hurt her feelings – and then something remarkable happened.

Anne felt remorse.

She told me later, “I wish I hadn’t done it. I want to take it back. …And I want to give my brain injury back too.” Well, that last part wasn’t remorseful, but it was honest! …Sweet, precious Anne.

I’ve been struck by something powerful as I’ve been blogging through the bible… God always gives the sinner a chance to repent. And when true heart-repentance occurs, God is merciful.

Anne pleased God today. She was repentant. And that makes heaven rejoice!

In spite of her rash actions, it was a Good Friday for Anne. It has been for me too :)

Happy Good Friday, and Happy, Happy Easter!

Independence

An independent Anne – it’s a dream. And it’s a dream that I have to give to God… daily. I know that the extent of Anne’s brain damage makes it almost impossible for her to be an independent adult – but I still ask God. He’s the only one that can get her there – and my job is to maximize her potential in the present – and trust God’s plan for her future :)

But today, I received a gift. I hope it’s a foretaste of things to come… Anne’s parapro just sent me a picture of her – working independently at school.

Isn’t that beautiful? It makes me so happy I could cry!! Considering where Anne started… I’d say this picture represents a miracle in her life!! It’s not total independence… but it’s a start :)

A new perspective

My last post was a little depressing… Sometimes I just get overwhelmed with the weight of responsibility… But a few days later, I was reading through Mark in preparation for bible:365 (my daily bible blog).

God hit me between the eyes.

It was a familiar scripture… one I’ve even taught before. But this time, God had something He wanted me to hear…

And he sat down and called the twelve. And he said to them, “If anyone would be first, he must be last of all and servant of all.” And he took a child and put him in the midst of them, and taking him in his arms, he said to them, “Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me” (Mark 9:35-37).

The part about the child intrigued me, so I turned to my study bible to read the commentary. Listen to this:

The attitude of heart Jesus is teaching does not even overlook a lowly child (at times marginalized in ancient societies) but receives, and thereby cares for, such a little one in Christ’s name. In contrast to the status-seeking of the disciples (v. 34), Jesus is showing them they should willingly take on lowly, often unnoticed tasks and care for those who have little status in the world …Humbly caring for people of lowly status out of obedience to Christ (“in my name”) will be rewarded by rich personal fellowship with both the Son and the Father. (ESV Study Bible, Crossway)

Wow. The very circumstance that I was complaining about (caring for Anne) is the very circumstance that can lead to “rich personal fellowship” with God. After I read this, I just sat and cried.

I cried because I was convicted. I was complaining about God’s good gift.

I cried because God considers my work with Anne valuable – and He’s the one who gave me the work.

I cried because He loves me, and I don’t deserve it.

I’m sure I’ll occasionally fall back into grumbling. But, now I have this piece of Scripture that reminds me of the privilege I have been given – to care for the lowly in status – because in essence, it’s like I am caring for Jesus, himself. It’s amazing what a new perspective can do for your peace of mind – especially when the perspective is God’s :)

A longing

I’m listening to the house… it’s quiet and I need to go to sleep. But I don’t want to, because something feels undone – unfinished… unsatisfied. I’m trying to write about Anne – but everything’s the same – she still has a brain injury.

When I pray for God to heal her – and I mean the “all-at-once” kind of healing… I know I’ve become desperate. God doesn’t work that way very often – because he cares more about our holiness than our happiness. There will be plenty of time for happiness in heaven – for now, it’s character building time.

But right now, in my unsettled, discontent heart… I just want to be happy. But the happiness is elusive.

When I feel this way – unsettled – like something’s unfinished, I know I’ve been grasping at distractions to fill the achiness. It’s a spiritual achiness – a longing… and silly entertaining distractions don’t cut it. I need the Savior. I need His touch. I need him to replace the discontent with contentment, the anxiety with peace.

I need to go to bed :) And pray, and wait, and hope that tomorrow will be better.

The ministry of kindness and daily routine :)

Many people have reached out to me after my last post. I didn’t expect such kindness! Thank you to those of you who wrote and to those who have prayed. I’m very grateful.

I think it’s the relentlessness of it all that bogs me down. There’s no hope for relief. Even finding an occasional babysitter seems like a difficult obstacle. An overnight getaway is almost impossible. Anne’s care is so specialized… it’s tough to find a qualified caretaker with every-now-and-then availability. I love Anne – but she wears me out sometimes ;)

Oddly, what has been the most helpful has been to introduce two other relentless activities into my daily routine! Blogging through the Bible is also relentless, but it has been a fountain to my parched heart. Also, I’ve been running daily. I look forward to both pursuits as they strengthen me both spiritually and physically.

So, even though I sometimes long for a break from it all – what’s helped me the most is sticking with a relentless routine… Go figure.

And by the way… I just published my 50th post on bible365blog.com. I’m pretty proud of myself :)

Brief Update

I’ve been a bit discouraged lately. I get so frustrated with myself when I’m discouraged – because it means that I’m relying more on my circumstances than on the word of God.

I think the main issue that has been discouraging me is Anne’s behavior. She’s just been rascally lately. Very contrary and sometimes… mean. There are a few reasons for this…

Anne has frontal lobe damage. The frontal lobe controls executive function of the brain. This is the area that helps you use good judgment, promotes impulse control and helps you organize and plan. A healthy frontal lobe is crucial for independence. Anne does not have a healthy frontal lobe. It’s just extra hard for her to have self-control and make good decisions.
Also, Anne’s self-awareness has improved. This is good. It is just more evidence that her brain is continuing to heal – but it also makes Anne sad and frustrated.

So, we keep plugging along day by day. When I get discouraged and overwhelmed, I have to force my eyes heavenward and focus on the present instead of worrying about the future.

Worry… I worry that I’m not doing enough to help her heal. I worry that I’m wasting precious opportunities to work with her because I’m tired. I worry. I worry.

What does Jesus say about worry? Oh yeah, it doesn’t help ;) And it’s also not of God. So, when I worry, I pray. That’s all I know to do right now!

Anne & The Swedish Chef

The whole family gathered together after dinner to watch a movie. It’s the first time in a long time that Anne joined us. She did pretty well… she was still, she paid attention, she could follow along with the story, and she was mostly quiet. That’s pretty good for a little girl who has almost zero self control!

But about 1/2 hour into the movie, Anne blurted out…

You know what I really want? A tv that shows the Swedish Chef all the time!

Ha!! We all laughed so hard. Remember the Swedish Chef from the Muppets?? The funniest thing about Anne’s fascination with the Swedish Chef is that she doesn’t realize he’s supposed to be funny. She tells me often… “Wow Mom! You are such a good cook that you could be on the Swedish Chef!” That’s quite the compliment coming from Anne ;-)

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