Kathryn’s Blog

All things new

Eric was reading to Anne from the “The Jesus Storybook Bible” again. Tonight’s story was from Revelation and it described heaven…

Anne got real excited and said, “When I go to heaven I want to be a doctor because if anybody that’s sick goes to heaven, when they get there, I’ll make them well again. I will take their temperature and tell them that they’re okay and that will make them soooooo happy.”

And then she changed her mind… “No, I want to be a teacher in heaven.”

But then she said something profound… “But Daddy, what I really want to be when I get to heaven is… ‘me.’ I want to be the ‘old Anne’ when I get to heaven. Daddy, will I get to be the ‘old Anne’ when I get to heaven?”

Wow. What would you say? This is an interesting question. One that I’ve thought about often. Yes, Anne will have a new body in heaven, but her spirit – or soul – will have the effects of having to live with a disability on this earth. Her character will be refined and strengthened from the hardship of having a brain injury. She will be beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

But I wasn’t with Anne when she asked this question… Eric was. And I think his answer was perfect. Eric said,

No, you won’t be the “old Anne” in heaven. God makes all things new. You will be made new!

I like that. Don’t you?

What God has prepared…

Today, as Kate and I picked up Anne from school, Kate listened to Anne’s teacher give a good report on Anne’s day. Kate said,
Great job, Anne!!! …even with your brain injury!” Kate was sincerely proud of Anne – but Anne responded as she always does – truthfully with no filters…

I hate that brain injury… That stupid brain injury. I just want it to go away!
-Anne

Anne has not lost her sass! Her spunk made me laugh :) I feel the same way as Anne. And you know what… I think God agrees and can’t wait for us to see Anne made whole in heaven!

“What no eye has seen, nor ear heard,
nor the heart of man imagined,
what God has prepared for those who love him” (1 Corinthians 2:9).

Anne is amazing :)

Sometimes I look at Anne and I’m struck by the magnitude of the brain damage. She’s just so impaired in so many ways. But then other times, Anne amazes us…

Yesterday, Anne stood up from her chair at the dinner table all by herself. That was amazing. Then I put her on the sofa and asked her to stand up, and she did it! The whole family was amazed!!

Anne said this morning… “I want a dog. And I think we should name her “Grace” because I bring Grace to other people and my name means “Grace.” That was pretty amazing.

But what she did last night was really amazing…When Eric puts Anne to bed, he always reads to her from the children’s bible, “The Jesus Storybook Bible.” In fact, Eric reads the same bible to Canon and Kate when he puts them to bed. And at times, Anne is able to connect to the stories on a deeper level than Canon and Kate.

Eric was reading a story (that he had never read to Anne) from the New Testament about the field of great price. Remember the story? A man learns that there is treasure in a field, so he sells everything he owns in order to pay the price for the field. In the middle of the story, there was a question: “What is God’s Treasure?” Anne immediately piped up, and said, “God’s children.” Eric, amazed, continued to read the next line of the story…”God’s children are God’s treasure.” And then Anne offered, “The price God paid for his treasure was his Son’s life.”

God seems to have given Anne a special ability to understand his Word. We think that’s… amazing!

Bedtime Prayers

Eric puts Anne to bed every night, and each night he prays the same prayer…

God, please give Anne self control, please be in her heart and please help her to be helpful.

And each night Anne prays too. Her prayers are typically silly, off-topic comments mixed with serious, profound requests. But tonight, she prayed…

God, please give me self control, please be in my heart and please help me to be helpful.

So sweet. And so essential. We know Anne needs God’s spirit to give her self control. We know Anne needs God’s spirit to live in her. We know that Anne needs God’s spirit to help her do the right thing. It’s just another example of how Anne is not so different than you and me :-)

Continued healing!

Anne is doing something amazing! She is starting to crawl.

I sound like a first-time mom talking about her 7 month old :-)

Seriously, last summer, when Anne was in Therasuit therapy, one of the exercises they did with Anne was to get her on all fours on the treadmill and physically move her hands and knees in a crawling position. Not only could she TOTALLY NOT do that movement on her own, but she screamed the entire time, seriously, she screamed.

Now, she can transition from side sit up to all fours (or I should say three’s – because her left arm cannot straighten all the way to the floor) and she can move her knees… right, left and then she falls. But she’s doing it!

I’m continually amazed at the complexity of the brain and how just how much damage Anne sustained. A healthy brain controls the muscles necessary for crawling without the person even “thinking” about it. It’s taken Anne over two years of healing to regain the (limited) use of some of those muscles. But the healing is still happening. And it’s exciting :-)

Lost December

I’m just tired of being sad. This December, I sorta went into an apathetic shell. Thinking back, I think I was just protecting myself from the grief that comes around the holidays. But that shell just got sandblasted. I just need to learn that it is okay to be sad during December.

In 30 short minutes, a new year will be here, and I feel a bit sad. But I’ll say that sadness is a notch better than apathetic, because at least I’m feeling something :-)

But don’t worry. God is here. He always is.

May Anne continue to make progress in 2013! And here is my list of “gratefuls” for 2012.

Key Lime Pie
Good neighbors
Anne’s crooked smile
Eric’s job
Canon’s enthusiasm
Special time with Kate
Therasuit Therapy
Erin and Stacy at church
French Horns… (I love the melancholy tone of a french horn)
Late night movie watching with Eric
My Wednesday bible study group
Mrs. Bush (Anne’s para-pro)
my new iPhone

and finally… the story of Joseph (from the Bible).

God is good. Happy New Year.

High Five!

Anne’s been struggling lately with feeling… in her words, “useless.”

She sees her brother and sister work together to clean up after dinner and she says, “I’m not a help. I’m useless.”

She compares herself to her peers and says, “I’m not good at anything. I’m useless.”

As you can imagine, Eric and I immediately tell her otherwise and we list all the ways she’s valuable. And we’ve noticed a trend. Her worth is in bringing others joy. She’s good at encouraging others, connecting with others, making others laugh.

A great example happened in church this morning… For the first time since the accident, Anne was able to participate in children’s choir. The children helped lead worship this morning, and after they finished singing their few songs, Anne (who was especially proud of herself) reached her hand out to her teacher and said loudly (so that everyone in the congregation could hear), “High Five!”

Do you know how many people commented to me about Anne’s “High Five” after church? Well… several. She’s a delight to others. And if you have a chance to tell her yourself – be sure to encourage her that she is not useless. She is a joy! At least we think so :)

Photo courtesy of Bobbi Jo Brooks Photography

Photo courtesy of Bobbi Jo Brooks Photography

My rock

Eric and I recently celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary!

Photo courtesy of Bobbi Jo Brooks Photography

In the weeks leading up to the big day, the old feelings of grief and depression began to creep into my daily routine.

Anxiety.

A general feeling of being overwhelmed…

An oppressive weight on my chest.

This is what grief feels like to me. But… Our family is in such a good place. Anne is doing well. Eric and I are doing well. Everything is going so well… So, why the grief?

Out of desperation, I asked God to reveal to me why I was spiraling down into depression – and almost instantly, God showed me. I remembered back to our 10th wedding anniversary. The kids were 1, 3 & 5, and for the first time since becoming parents we went away by ourselves. We were so excited to go, but even more excited to come home to see our precious, little ones. They tackled us as we entered the door. I remember being on the floor, holding Kate in my lap with Anne jumping on my back. And then I understood where the grief was coming from. It is only 5 years later, but so much has changed. Life just doesn’t look like what I expected it to be…

Thankfully, when I understand the source of my grief, it usually loses its power over me, and within a few days I was back to normal – just in time to celebrate our 15 years of marriage with a genuine, joyful gratitude. But listen to how my conversation went with Eric…

“Eric, I think I’ve realized why I’ve been so down lately.”

“Really?”

“Yes, it all has to do with our 15th wedding anniversary. It’s just not how I expected it to be.”

Eric looked at me with a concerned stare, and I (naively) wondered why he didn’t understand. A few seconds went by and his look changed to understanding…

“This all has to do with Anne, doesn’t it?”

“Yes. What else would it be about?”

“Well, if I had a blog, I would write about how my wife just told me she was depressed because our 15 years of marriage wasn’t what she expected!”

He was chuckling as he said it :-) I’m so thankful for Eric’s perceptiveness. He understands me better than I understand myself sometimes. He is a gift – a committed, loyal rock of a man. His character is unmatched. I don’t know what I would do without him. I look forward to the next 15 years!

She’s a keeper.

It happened. Again. Somebody paid for our meal at a restaurant. It always moves me to tears.

I wonder what compels people to do this. Is it the little girl in a wheelchair? Is it how we interact with her? Or is it how she interacts with others? Whatever it is, sometimes, people are moved. And today, one lady was moved so much to pay for our lunch.

I know one thing. I think people instinctively know that there is something wrong with the world when they see a child in a wheelchair. Disability can represent the fact that we live in an imperfect world. But if you look beyond the physical, you’ll see a little girl who brings joy into others’ lives. Her very spirit exudes light and joy. You can’t help but smile when you are around Anne. God redeems the broken.

I’ve reached a place in this journey where my love and gratitude for our “new Anne” is stronger than my grief over the “old Anne.” I wouldn’t trade her. Yes, I think I’ll keep her ;-)

Anne won the race!

Each year, ACCA (the private school that all of our kids have attended at least once!) holds a Jog-A-Thon to raise funds and awareness for the school. The idea is simple… the kids solicit pledges/per lap and then try to run as many laps as possible in the 1.5 hour time frame. Each lap is 1/4 mile.

Last year, I pushed Anne in her jogger stroller. Everyone loves Anne, so she enjoyed all the people cheering for her as we ran. But I thought it was time to ramp it up a notch…

My goal for Anne was for me to help her walk 1 lap (which is 1/4 mile). It’s hard to put into words just how far this is for Anne. It’s significantly longer than she has ever walked before. So because the goal was so lofty, we started slow. We took lots of “sweet tea” breaks along the way. The kids cheered for her as they passed – Kate passed us 15 times!!! Three-quarters of the way through, Anne was so, so tired. I was tired too! (It’s tedious bending over to help Anne keep her balance…) But! Canon was there to encourage Anne to persevere :)  Anne never cried. Not. Once. Even though some steps seemed almost impossible, she had the best “can-do” attitude. The girl toughed it out, and after 45-long-minutes, she did it!!!!

Thanks to my friend Elizabeth Smith of Libbie Wicket for the great photos!

Anne at the finish line!!!

It felt like the whole school was cheering for Anne as she finished.

It was a family effort!

So, so proud of our sweet Anne!!!

Anne was so proud of her accomplishment. The whole family went out to celebrate, and Anne kept saying, “I won the race! But next year, I’m going to walk the whole lap by myself!!!” Now THAT is something I want to see!!!!