“God does miracles”

I was picking my kids up from VBS yesterday, and the song leader was up front reviewing the bible story the kids learned that day. It was from Luke 5 – the story of Jesus healing the Paralyzed man. And then the music started… and all the kids were standing, singing and doing hand motions to “God does Miracles… oh yeah, My God does Miracles!!!” And I became cynical.

Now let me stop and interject something. I have no right to be cynical. I have seen miracles. God saved Anne from the clutches of death, and now one year later, she’s learning bible verses at VBS. That’s a double dose of miracles. Hear me, I’m grateful. Oh so grateful…

But, the kids’ song raises a valid question. Why doesn’t God heal the way He healed when He walked the earth? Continue reading →

I love words!

This past Sunday, I sang in our church’s ensemble. We sang a paraphrased version of Psalm 42 set to an Appalachian folk melody. It was beautiful. Way too high for me to sing well, but beautiful:-) One of the members of the ensemble noted that two words were flipped in the third verse. As I studied the text, I disagreed with him and we started a discussion that continued on and off throughout the morning (and that we both relished).

See what you think. Here’s the text… (emphasis mine)

As longs the hart for flowing streams
So longs my soul for You, O God;
My soul does thirst for the living God.
When shall I come to see Your face?

My tears have fed me day and night
While men have said, “Where is your God?”
But I recall as my soul pours dry
The days of praise within Your house.

Why do I mourn and toil within,
When is it mine to hope in God?
I shall again sing praise to Him,
He is my help, He is my God.

My friend thought the text should read: “Why do I mourn and toil within, when it is mine to hope in God?” In other words, “Why do I mourn when my hope is in this amazing God?” His view is theologically sound… But I agreed with the text as written. The Psalmist asks two questions… “Why do I mourn and toil within? When will I be able to hope in God again?” He encourages himself with the truth that he “shall again sing praise to Him, He is my help, He is my God.”

I fought back tears as I thought about this text. I know how it feels to mourn and toil and wonder if I will ever have hope again. I know how it feels to encourage myself with the truth that this season of grief will pass and I will again sing praise to Him, because He is my help and my God. I know (like so many others) all. too. well.

What’s interesting is the portion of Psalm 42 this text is based on… Check this out:

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God (Psalm 42:11).

I would suggest that neither of our interpretations is correct! The Psalmist (David) is indeed mourning, but he doesn’t ask when he will be able to hope in God again, and he doesn’t claim to already have hope in God. No, he tells himself to hope in God because He is his salvation! A subtle difference, but so important.

My friend’s interpretation focused more on God’s character and failed to give adequate weight to the psalmist’s mourning. My interpretation was too focused on the toil within. David got it right. His soul is downcast. What is the answer? God (period).

I love words!

I love the body of Christ!

I was raised by a single mom who (inadvertantly) taught me the dangers of trust and the benefits of independence. Asking for help is not something in which I’ve had much practice. My tendency is to build a bunker, grit my teeth and ‘tough’ my way through. The bunker mentality leads to isolation which ultimately leads to despair… It’s impossible for me to be everything to Anne and to the rest of my family. In my weakness, my independence only leads to failure.

Because of the public nature of our tragedy, we’ve been surrounded and uplifted. But a year and a few months after the accident, we have slipped out of the forefront, and I find myself in the uncomfortable place of asking for help. Needing help is another paradox in God’s Kingdom. I am greatly blessed by the help of others…

One example – a teenager in our church who has suffered much loss in her own life has an extra dose of compassion for special needs children. She will be Anne’s ‘guide’ during VBS this week. I can’t help but think that God hand-picked her to help before the creation of the world. She is a blessing.

Another example… One of Anne’s Sunday school teachers just out of college has been struggling with joblessness and a sense of purpose. But in this season of uncertainty she has built a network of single girls in her same season, organized a babysitting club, and because of her connections – has found me help for the summer. She is a blessing.

And lastly, a dear friend who is experiencing a season of freedom after years of financial hardship was sharing her wisdom with me. I lamented to her, “I want wings, but I feel God’s hand pressing me down.” And she reminded me… even though her newfound freedom is a gift, it is also a temptation to fly away from the nearness of God. “Slow down, Kathryn. Cherish His nearness.”

Where would I be without the body of Christ? Thankfully, I do not have to live in isolation. God has a better way!

Goodness of the Lord …in the land of the living

Eric has been very encouraged with Anne’s progress lately. He’s posted two very uplifting journal entries on CaringBridge. I’m thankful that he’s so positive because I’m struggling. I’m struggling to see God’s goodness, and I’m struggling with hope.

Caring for Anne at home is so emotionally draining, so physically demanding… I’m tired, and it’s only been two weeks! So I pray from Psalm 27…

1 The Lord is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?

4 One thing have I asked of the Lord,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to inquire in his temple.

5 For he will hide me in his shelter
in the day of trouble;
he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
he will lift me high upon a rock.

7 Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud;
be gracious to me and answer me!

8 You have said, “Seek my face.”
My heart says to you,
“Your face, Lord, do I seek.”

9 Hide not your face from me.
Turn not your servant away in anger,
O you who have been my help.
Cast me not off; forsake me not,
O God of my salvation!

11Teach me your way, O Lord,
and lead me on a level path
because of my enemies.

13 I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living!

14 Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord!

All who are thirsty…

Is God enough?

A friend of a friend is wrestling with this question… I don’t even know her, but I wrestle too. Her marriage is excruciatingly disappointing. She has a child with a chronic, possibly fatal disease. I don’t share her circumstances, but i do share her question.

I can’t wrestle for her. I’ve done enough wrestling myself. But I can wrestle with her.

I’ve been running lately – straight away from God. I’ve been seeking solace in other things… not bad things – just busy things. And you know what? I’m spent. I can’t run anymore. But I’m also too tired to seek the only One who is enough.

A friend of mine came over today to help me plant a flower bed. We worked hard as the sun rose high in the sky. We finished, and she took the water hose and watered. And watered. And watered. She’s older than I am, and therefore more patient. I watched in wonder as she found peace in the water spray hitting the newly planted flowers. Drink… Drink. Stay awhile and drink, my child.

Oh Living Water. I am thirsty, oh so thirsty. I want to drink – it’s the staying awhile that I have difficulty with…

I went out at dusk to water. I tried to linger. And I received… a drop of peace. One drop to this parched soul is more satisfying than all of my busy substitutes. The one drop gives me the answer. No more running. Only God is enough.

Pray for Anne…

June 2011’s prayer requests:

  1. For the fruit of the Spirit to be manifested in Anne’s life…  love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness & self control;
  2. For the parts of Anne’s brain that control her left foot and left hand to heal;
  3. For Anne to continue to come alive cognitively. She is amazing. God is so good.
  4. That Anne would continue to learn how to read, write and walk.
  5. Lastly, please thank God for being very close to Anne and giving her the comfort and peace she needs to persevere in her recovery.

Neuroamazing

I was talking to Eric the other night about a thought God has given me… First a little background :-)

I’ve always been fascinated by the brain – from as early as I can remember, I wanted to grow up to be a brain scientist (that would be a neurologist, but I didn’t know that word back then!) Anyway, the hook for me was the mystery of it all. And after all the technical and scientific progress we’ve experienced since my childhood, the brain still remains a mystery to the medical community.

I know this is going to sound crazy, but… before the accident, I would climb the stairs to Anne’s darkened room, make my way to her sleeping form, kneel beside her bed and thank God for her brain. Sometimes, I would even put my forehead against hers – just to drink in what I perceived as the awesomeness of her brain. She was so complex, so deeply emotional, fiercely intuitive… Now she is simple…. so very simple.

I was crying out to God about how much I missed Anne… Why her brain, Lord? Her brain – it was beautiful; it was amazing, and now it is… even more amazing… If you look at Anne’s MRI, it is dismal. Severe, diffuse brain damage… diffuse meaning everywhere. Yet she is able to reason, laugh and spontaneously say, “I love you, Mommy.” Anne’s brain is a miracle, and a testimony to the Master Creator. It was like God was saying to me… “You can still marvel, Kathryn.” As Anne regains function, it’s like a layer of the mystery is peeled away, and I get to see a little of how He knits together His masterpiece.  Anne’s brain is neuroamazing :-)

Hear me roar!

Control. It’s every woman’s greatest temptation. And I’ve fallen… again.

We’re thinking about moving. Well, we’re more than thinking, we are working to put our house on the market. I remember thinking that after this past year and all the lessons God has (tried) to teach me about trust, that trusting Him to sell our home would be easy… It’s a house – not my daughter. If I could learn to trust God with my own flesh and blood, how much easier would it be to trust Him with a temporary object?

Ugh. I give myself way too much credit.

From the moment we decided to pursue moving, I jumped in… cleaning, de-cluttering – trying to get the house perfect as fast as I possibly could. And when Eric decides to go at a different pace, or use a different strategy – well… Hear me Roar!

Oh Jesus, you’d think I would have learned just a little about trust – just a little? Tonight’s devotional from Streams in the Desert was like a punch right in my gut: Remain still before Him, and stop your own restless working until He begins to work. Do nothing that He Himself has not commanded you to do. Allow God time to work and He surely will.

Trust, Kathryn! Stop trying to control everything. Stop. Stop! Help your husband and trust God to work. …As Anne would say, “Easy-Peasy.” HA!

Summer begins

Summer vacation is here!  I’m excited to have Anne at home, and I’m anxious to have Anne at home :-) It reminds me of how I felt when Anne graduated from the Day Rehab program last October. I was tempted to feel anxious about bringing Anne home for good – but I had a sense that God was working on Anne’s behalf in ways I couldn’t see… yet! After one week at home, God brought both a Speech Pathologist and a Physical Therapist across our path. God continues to use those women in Anne’s life. So I’m excited to see what He has in store for this summer…

Especially, because I think Anne’s on the brink of something big. On the surface, it appears as if she’s regressed… She’s more orally fixated, more fidgety; her impulsivity seems to be off the charts. But in the past, what looked like regression was really something new awakening in Anne’s brain, and it just took her time to sort it all out. I’m hoping this is the beginning of another amazing work of God in Anne!

I also pray that I have the wisdom to balance rest and therapy. I’ve found that Anne makes large strides in her recovery after periods of rest.

So please pray for our time at home. It’s tough for me to balance all of my household responsibilities with caring for Anne at home AND spending time with all three children. It’s a bit overwhelming for me frankly… So, pray for energy and patience for all of us Jacksons this summer!  Also, please pray for Anne’s continued healing… less impulsivity, improved cognitive abilities – and for her feet. Her poor feet, especially her left foot… I wrote a whole entry about Anne’s feet last fall, and her left foot is still as weak as ever. I pray earnestly for God to heal the part of her brain that controls her feet.

Thank you for staying close to our family in prayer this summer!

Radio Silence

Sorry for the long absence. The month of May marks the end of school, and since my three children are in three different schools… well, we’ve been busy. Kate’s last day was Friday; Canon & Anne both finish Wednesday, and our summer will begin.

Frankly, I’m a little anxious about summer. I usually love having my children at home, but Anne is in a “demanding” phase which makes life difficult. But it forces me to interact with her, which is vital for her continued development and recovery.

Adding to my anxiety is the fact that I have been a bit lazy about reading the bible lately – which is always a source of great comfort for me. I’m sure God still has a good plan for Anne’s life – it’s just hard for God to remind me when I’m not reading His word!

Sigh. I can’t wait for heaven :-)