Anne

A longing

I’m listening to the house… it’s quiet and I need to go to sleep. But I don’t want to, because something feels undone – unfinished… unsatisfied. I’m trying to write about Anne – but everything’s the same – she still has a brain injury.

When I pray for God to heal her – and I mean the “all-at-once” kind of healing… I know I’ve become desperate. God doesn’t work that way very often – because he cares more about our holiness than our happiness. There will be plenty of time for happiness in heaven – for now, it’s character building time.

But right now, in my unsettled, discontent heart… I just want to be happy. But the happiness is elusive.

When I feel this way – unsettled – like something’s unfinished, I know I’ve been grasping at distractions to fill the achiness. It’s a spiritual achiness – a longing… and silly entertaining distractions don’t cut it. I need the Savior. I need His touch. I need him to replace the discontent with contentment, the anxiety with peace.

I need to go to bed :) And pray, and wait, and hope that tomorrow will be better.

The ministry of kindness and daily routine :)

Many people have reached out to me after my last post. I didn’t expect such kindness! Thank you to those of you who wrote and to those who have prayed. I’m very grateful.

I think it’s the relentlessness of it all that bogs me down. There’s no hope for relief. Even finding an occasional babysitter seems like a difficult obstacle. An overnight getaway is almost impossible. Anne’s care is so specialized… it’s tough to find a qualified caretaker with every-now-and-then availability. I love Anne – but she wears me out sometimes ;)

Oddly, what has been the most helpful has been to introduce two other relentless activities into my daily routine! Blogging through the Bible is also relentless, but it has been a fountain to my parched heart. Also, I’ve been running daily. I look forward to both pursuits as they strengthen me both spiritually and physically.

So, even though I sometimes long for a break from it all – what’s helped me the most is sticking with a relentless routine… Go figure.

And by the way… I just published my 50th post on bible365blog.com. I’m pretty proud of myself :)

Brief Update

I’ve been a bit discouraged lately. I get so frustrated with myself when I’m discouraged – because it means that I’m relying more on my circumstances than on the word of God.

I think the main issue that has been discouraging me is Anne’s behavior. She’s just been rascally lately. Very contrary and sometimes… mean. There are a few reasons for this…

  1. Anne has frontal lobe damage. The frontal lobe controls executive function of the brain. This is the area that helps you use good judgment, promotes impulse control and helps you organize and plan. A healthy frontal lobe is crucial for independence. Anne does not have a healthy frontal lobe. It’s just extra hard for her to have self-control and make good decisions.
  2. Also, Anne’s self-awareness has improved. This is good. It is just more evidence that her brain is continuing to heal – but it also makes Anne sad and frustrated.

So, we keep plugging along day by day. When I get discouraged and overwhelmed, I have to force my eyes heavenward and focus on the present instead of worrying about the future.

Worry… I worry that I’m not doing enough to help her heal. I worry that I’m wasting precious opportunities to work with her because I’m tired. I worry. I worry.

What does Jesus say about worry? Oh yeah, it doesn’t help ;) And it’s also not of God. So, when I worry, I pray. That’s all I know to do right now!

Anne & The Swedish Chef

The whole family gathered together after dinner to watch a movie. It’s the first time in a long time that Anne joined us. She did pretty well… she was still, she paid attention, she could follow along with the story, and she was mostly quiet. That’s pretty good for a little girl who has almost zero self control!

But about 1/2 hour into the movie, Anne blurted out…

You know what I really want? A tv that shows the Swedish Chef all the time!

Ha!! We all laughed so hard. Remember the Swedish Chef from the Muppets?? The funniest thing about Anne’s fascination with the Swedish Chef is that she doesn’t realize he’s supposed to be funny. She tells me often… “Wow Mom! You are such a good cook that you could be on the Swedish Chef!” That’s quite the compliment coming from Anne ;-)

Anne’s favorite Swedish Chef Video

Pray for Anne…

February 2013’s prayer requests:

Please pray for Anne…

  1. Her seizures have come back in full force. Please pray for adjustments in her medication to eradicate her seizures.
  2. Anne recently had a procedure to decrease the spasticity (tightness) in her left leg and arm. Please pray that this procedure would pay great dividends and allow Anne to gain more movement and strength in her left limbs.
  3. For self control and a Spirit-empowered hunger and thirst to do what is best and right, and
  4. Finally, pray for God to show us his great, great love and goodness to Anne.

Thank you!

All things new

Eric was reading to Anne from the “The Jesus Storybook Bible” again. Tonight’s story was from Revelation and it described heaven…

Anne got real excited and said, “When I go to heaven I want to be a doctor because if anybody that’s sick goes to heaven, when they get there, I’ll make them well again. I will take their temperature and tell them that they’re okay and that will make them soooooo happy.”

And then she changed her mind… “No, I want to be a teacher in heaven.”

But then she said something profound… “But Daddy, what I really want to be when I get to heaven is… ‘me.’ I want to be the ‘old Anne’ when I get to heaven. Daddy, will I get to be the ‘old Anne’ when I get to heaven?”

Wow. What would you say? This is an interesting question. One that I’ve thought about often. Yes, Anne will have a new body in heaven, but her spirit – or soul – will have the effects of having to live with a disability on this earth. Her character will be refined and strengthened from the hardship of having a brain injury. She will be beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

But I wasn’t with Anne when she asked this question… Eric was. And I think his answer was perfect. Eric said,

No, you won’t be the “old Anne” in heaven. God makes all things new. You will be made new!

I like that. Don’t you?

What God has prepared…

Today, as Kate and I picked up Anne from school, Kate listened to Anne’s teacher give a good report on Anne’s day. Kate said,
Great job, Anne!!! …even with your brain injury!” Kate was sincerely proud of Anne – but Anne responded as she always does – truthfully with no filters…

I hate that brain injury… That stupid brain injury. I just want it to go away!
-Anne

Anne has not lost her sass! Her spunk made me laugh :) I feel the same way as Anne. And you know what… I think God agrees and can’t wait for us to see Anne made whole in heaven!

“What no eye has seen, nor ear heard,
nor the heart of man imagined,
what God has prepared for those who love him” (1 Corinthians 2:9).

Anne is amazing :)

Sometimes I look at Anne and I’m struck by the magnitude of the brain damage. She’s just so impaired in so many ways. But then other times, Anne amazes us…

Yesterday, Anne stood up from her chair at the dinner table all by herself. That was amazing. Then I put her on the sofa and asked her to stand up, and she did it! The whole family was amazed!!

Anne said this morning… “I want a dog. And I think we should name her “Grace” because I bring Grace to other people and my name means “Grace.” That was pretty amazing.

But what she did last night was really amazing…When Eric puts Anne to bed, he always reads to her from the children’s bible, “The Jesus Storybook Bible.” In fact, Eric reads the same bible to Canon and Kate when he puts them to bed. And at times, Anne is able to connect to the stories on a deeper level than Canon and Kate.

Eric was reading a story (that he had never read to Anne) from the New Testament about the field of great price. Remember the story? A man learns that there is treasure in a field, so he sells everything he owns in order to pay the price for the field. In the middle of the story, there was a question: “What is God’s Treasure?” Anne immediately piped up, and said, “God’s children.” Eric, amazed, continued to read the next line of the story…”God’s children are God’s treasure.” And then Anne offered, “The price God paid for his treasure was his Son’s life.”

God seems to have given Anne a special ability to understand his Word. We think that’s… amazing!

Bedtime Prayers

Eric puts Anne to bed every night, and each night he prays the same prayer…

God, please give Anne self control, please be in her heart and please help her to be helpful.

And each night Anne prays too. Her prayers are typically silly, off-topic comments mixed with serious, profound requests. But tonight, she prayed…

God, please give me self control, please be in my heart and please help me to be helpful.

So sweet. And so essential. We know Anne needs God’s spirit to give her self control. We know Anne needs God’s spirit to live in her. We know that Anne needs God’s spirit to help her do the right thing. It’s just another example of how Anne is not so different than you and me :-)

Continued healing!

Anne is doing something amazing! She is starting to crawl.

I sound like a first-time mom talking about her 7 month old :-)

Seriously, last summer, when Anne was in Therasuit therapy, one of the exercises they did with Anne was to get her on all fours on the treadmill and physically move her hands and knees in a crawling position. Not only could she TOTALLY NOT do that movement on her own, but she screamed the entire time, seriously, she screamed.

Now, she can transition from side sit up to all fours (or I should say three’s – because her left arm cannot straighten all the way to the floor) and she can move her knees… right, left and then she falls. But she’s doing it!

I’m continually amazed at the complexity of the brain and how just how much damage Anne sustained. A healthy brain controls the muscles necessary for crawling without the person even “thinking” about it. It’s taken Anne over two years of healing to regain the (limited) use of some of those muscles. But the healing is still happening. And it’s exciting :-)