Pray for Anne…

November 2011’s prayer requests:

  1. Anne has made many improvements since the beginning of school, but she is still lacking a desire or ability to put forth EFFORT. Please pray that Anne would learn to persevere during difficult activities during both school and therapy.
  2. Anne’s seizures seem to be waning. Please pray they would completely go away without medical intervention.
  3. Anne has been asking TONS of questions about Jesus dying on the cross. She thinks about this all the time and all of its implications… forgiveness, justification, God’s love and sacrifice. Please pray that God would use these questions and wrestlings to deepen and strengthen her faith in Him.
  4. For Anne to continue to do well in school; and for her to gain more control of her impulsiveness which can be a distraction in the classroom (talking out of turn, mouthing inappropriate objects, reaching for and touching others when she should keep her hands to herself, etc.)
  5. For Anne’s left ankle… for it to loosen and strengthen so she can support her weight on her left foot without her braces.

Thank you!

A conversation with daddy…

Our “new” Anne is very different than our “old” Anne, but some of those differences are good… Anne has much more freedom of expression, and she has been much happier lately. When she’s happy, she squeals… literally, she squeals with delight! This is a conversation that Eric had with Anne during one of her “squealing” sessions…

Eric: Anne, God has shown me something about you.

Anne: What daddy?

Eric: God has given you the gift of joy.

Anne: But daddy, my name means “grace.”

Eric: You’re right! It is by God’s grace that He has enabled you to have much joy!

Anne’s joy in the midst of struggle is a picture of God’s amazing grace to us!!! That’s something to squeal about :-)

Complicated grief

Acceptance. It’s the 5th and final stage of grief. And I can’t… quite… get… there.

I’m so tired of feeling sad and desperate. How long could this grieving thing possibly take? I know I must be slower than most everyone else, right? It’s just like a woman to compare herself to others. The idea is ridiculous…

Ideal Griever: “Well, I moved through all five stages of grief in just 5 months. I spent one month on each stage. Very efficient, eh? What about you, where are you in your grieving process?”

Me: Well, I don’t know… I bounce back and forth between stage 3 & 4 – and then sometimes I find myself living back in stage 1 (denial) just to survive the day-to-day, ya know?

Ideal Griever: And how long has it been since the accident?

Me: Um, we just passed the 18 month mark.

Ideal Griever: Oh.

Ludicrous, right? Well, I just wish it was simpler sometimes – more clear-cut. Grieve and done. Let’s just get. it. done. But God doesn’t work that way. His carvings take time… painful time.

I think one complication is that there are so many different things to grieve. I’ve grieved losing the old Anne and all of her unique little ways. I’ve grieved the freedom of having all of my children be mobile and independent. Now I find myself grieving Anne’s health. She has seizures. She is unpredictable. She is demanding. She’s not whole. You can feel the sunken place on her skull where the brain tissue has atrophied from the damage. My sweet Anne is broken – a fragile jar of clay – and we are left learning how to compensate.

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us” (2 Cor. 4:7). God always shows me that I am the same as Anne… I am a broken jar of clay – in desperate need of surpassing power. I think we all are. Don’t you?

Happy Anniversary…

to me!

Eric and I are celebrating our 14th wedding anniversary today. I confess, I’m not that great at celebrating. I’ve always been a bit boring in that category – or maybe I should spin it as “low maintenance.” Yeah, that sounds better :-)

Mile markers are healthy. I’m thankful I was blissfully oblivious to God’s plan for us when we married that day. Thankfully, tragedy hasn’t split us apart, and we continue to fight to stay connected.

This week is marked by a different type of celebration though… a much sadder type. Eric’s grandmother, we believe, is living the last few days of her life under hospice care. She is 96 years old, so we are thankful for her long and full life! Eric was always especially close to his grandmother. He has spent too many hours bedside… First was his mom (named Anne), who died at home after years of fighting brain cancer. Then there was our second little Anne – and all the hours wondering if she would die too – and now his grandmother.

Years after his mom died, I was sorting through her old photographs and found a picture of Eric in his college days. She had hand-written on the back, “My sweet Eric.” …my sentiments exactly!

Random Monday Ramblings

Sorry for the silence. Canon and Kate had fall-break last week (while Anne’s school was still in session) so I tried to make the most of my time with just those two. I think we squeezed a lot in our mornings, and the two munchkins had good attitudes as they went to all of Anne’s therapy sessions in the afternoons.

Time has a way of healing. When I look at Anne – I see more of our ‘new’ Anne and my longings for the ‘old’ Anne aren’t painfully sharp… they’ve become dull. I don’t think the longings will ever go away – especially as I open my fingers to acceptance more and more. But acceptance is coming easier, and the longings seem more like happy memories than sharp reminders of loss. Time heals.

God is sweet to open my eyes to His work in Anne. She has a way of bringing blessing to others – complete strangers are taken with her. We’re often late as she engages anyone (who will listen) in conversation. We were at Canon’s ballgame on Saturday, and a woman I barely recognized walked up and didn’t speak to me – but to Anne. Anne remembered her name (I sure didn’t), and the woman had remembered to bring Anne a gift. Anne beamed as she held her new, pink, little Mermaid workbook.

I think it’s a privilege to be Anne’s mom. I’m awfully grateful ;-)

Conference update

Friday night was rich. It was the first night of our denomination’s national women’s conference – entitled AmazingGrace 360. As I sat and listened to Nancy Guthrie teach, and later – as I stood and listened to Laura Story sing, I realized that I felt a connection with both of those women – even though I’ve never met them…

Nancy Guthrie has lost 2 infants to a rare genetic disorder. I can relate (on a certain level) with losing a child. I lost the Anne I had known for 5+ years the day of the accident. I still remember Anne on that morning – and all of my interaction with her… how thankful I was for her quick obedience and her joyful spirit. She was making up songs about Jesus while “cooking”  in the kitchen. That version of Anne is gone. I can relate to loss.

Laura Story’s husband survived brain cancer but he is left with disability as a result of the damage the tumor and subsequent surgeries caused. She struggles with living with and caring for someone with disability. Her words tonight… “Disability is hard.” Amen to that. I can relate :-)

Both women have suffered. Both women have wrestled with God’s love and goodness. And both women have chosen to trust Him anyway. I can relate to that :-)

 

Conference Time!

I get a small break this weekend! I am attending our denomination’s national women’s conference, and it just happens to be 10 minutes from my home! Woo Hoo!

I’m excited because the main speaker is Nancy Guthrie. Her book, Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow, has been extremely helpful for me as I’ve wrestled with all of my “why” questions. Losing two infants to a rare genetic disorder, she is well acquainted with loss and sorrow. Her answers were deeply satisfying.

I enjoy her writing because she has the unique ability to couple lofty theological truths with her own personal story. She covers several hard questions… Why did God let this happen? Why doesn’t God heal? Does God even care? – but every answer reveals that God cares more about our eternity than our immediate comfort. If you’re a mom, you are familiar with impatience (in our children). And really, if you’re a person you can relate to impatience – because our culture and “delayed gratification” do not mix! So the bible’s timeless message of persevering through difficulty and waiting to attain a greater reward is a much needed reminder for me :-)

So I’ll let you know how it goes!

Pray for Anne…

October 2011’s prayer requests:

  1. For Anne to gain more control of her impulsiveness which can be a distraction in the classroom (talking out of turn, mouthing inappropriate objects, reaching for and touching others when she should keep her hands to herself, etc.)
  2. For Anne’s left ankle… for it to loosen and strengthen so she can support her weight on her left foot without her braces;
  3. For Anne’s seizures to cease or be controlled with appropriate medication,
  4. And lastly, for Anne to continue to wrestle with God’s goodness and love for her – and ultimately for her to grow to be a faithful woman of God!

Thank you!

My striving is not working.

I’ve been struggling lately to keep the pace. Sometimes I wonder if I just have unrealistic expectations of myself. On paper, my schedule seems very manageable… but then again, I’ve always struggled with discipline and consistency. sigh.

I think one of the issues is that everything feels relentless. Anne’s schedule is relentless. The morning routine of getting all the kids to school (on time) is relentless. Anne’s needs are relentless – and the afternoons filled with therapy and carpool and dinner preparation and homework and. and. and…

One of the reasons we chose to send Canon and Kate to school (instead of homeschooling them) was to give me more margin in my life. I’m supposed to have more time now. Hmm. It doesn’t feel like it.

I don’t think I’m alone in this struggle. Our culture is so “full” that most people I know are constantly trying to fight against filling their schedules. Maybe it’s just the emotional baggage of Anne’s disabilities that make me feel. so. heavy. Or maybe it’s my inability to think past today – which makes weekly meal planning challenging ;-) Or maybe I need to have a few more glasses of wine – but I don’t really like wine.

Actually, the only real answer is Jesus. He’s the simple Sunday School answer for everything – but in Him are depths of knowledge and wisdom and… joy. Joy. I think I just need an extra dose of joy. I sure ain’t finding it in all of my striving.  Jesus, will you give me joy? 

Another Spirit Night at Chick-fil-A

May 18, 2010… This was a date placed on the ACCA school calendar months earlier – the last Chick-fil-A “spirit night” of the year. Lots of schools do this sort of thing – a percentage of the profits goes to the school – good for business – good for the school. Everybody wins.

But that Spirit night was different. My little girl was in a hospital room – still unable to sit or speak. Barely a month removed from our accident – the community was still reeling. A student named Kelsey asked the school board if they would donate the proceeds from the Chick-fil-A spirit night to our family. A small school event turned into a community-wide gathering as the Chick-fil-A operator hosted two locations (instead of the usual one) and both restaurants were packed for the night. It was a cool story. I wrote about it here.

Tuesday was ACCA’s first Chick-fil-A spirit night of the year. I couldn’t help but think of the contrasts. Anne was with us –  sitting, eating, talking…conversing with people. She asked to see the “cow.” She asked for ice cream. She was with us. I knew WAY more people there than last time. I had relationships with so many families – because of Anne’s journey.

I’m thankful for this road God has led us down. So many heartaches – but they fade to memory in light of the many triumphs. We are so thankful. So. very. thankful.